A British satirist has translated 15 of Shakespeare's classic plays into chav speak.
Martin Bauam's updated version of Hamlet reveals: "Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark."
The Danish prince, who is re-named 'Amlet, asks: "To be or not to be, innit?", while Romeo pines for his "fit bitch Jools".
Mr Baum's other titles include Macbeff, Much Ado About Sod All, De 'Appy Bitches of Windsor, De Taming of de Bitch, Two Geezas Of Verona and All's Sweet That Ends Sweet, Innit.
Mr Baum, 48, says his versions of the Bard's classics, while abridged, remain true to the originals, retaining "the important sexist, duplicitous, cross-dressing and violent moments that made William Shakespeare well wicked."
Mr Baum's version of Romeo and Juliet sets the scene for the star-crossed lovers with: "Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families.
"And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other."
If the Bard was living today, Mr Baum writes on his website, he would "still be writing in the Globe turf, getting loads of respect from the Stratford-upon-Avon massive and producing works of pure genius."
Ah, 41. A bit of a nondescript age really. It underscores 40 a little, but doesn't preface the significant ages ahead. One of those nothing year.
I am still in the French Alps, in Peisey-Vallandry for those who know the region. And... I can ski!
It transpires that snowboarding last year will a bit of a silly idea since it is near impossible, while skiing is a piece of piss. That I could ski after one two-hour lesson is testament to the sheer ease of it. Five days in I can now do fancy stuff like zig-zag down a hill, ski backwards and stop on a sixpence.
The only problem is that my knees aren't up to it. After an hour they hurt. At the end of a 2.5 hour lesson I am crippled. I recover overnight, but I think I might have to rethink my new ski-bum career.
Other than that all is well.
Oh, Verity hates skiing. We booked her a one hour private lesson and she lasted ten minutes. Looked cute in all the gear though. Photos to follow.
Snowboarding didn't kill me. It tried. I got pneumonia while trying to be a rad boarder. Sally says it was 'a bit of a cough'. Katie, in a telephone diagnosis, said pneumonia. My doctor said lung infection. I think Sally is way off beam there but she isn't for changing her opinion.
Anyway, having, er, mastered boarding I will try skiing this year. Skiing is supposedly easier and is better suited to old folks.
Tomorrow we drive the France, with a bit of help from a boat, and on Saturday we mess about in the snow and then on Sunday I learn to ski. Simple, surely.
My boss said I could only have next week as holiday if I was online, which I will be, so there will be updates and medical bulletins.
