April 2007 Entries

April 30, 2007

Flanerie.org is on holiday

Flanerie is in New York and hot damn this city is fascinating.

More on my return.

April 27, 2007

Game du Jour

Submachine 4: The Lab

The latest, and most sprawling, or the Submachine series that manages to include elements from all previous editions.

Play the game here, and if you get stuck use my wonderful walkthrough solution here

April 26, 2007

The sheep that didn't bark in the night

[El Reg reports...]
A Japanese actress inadvertantly blew the lid off a scam which had duped thousands of women into buying coiffured sheep in the belief they were poodles, the Evening Standard reports.

Maiko Kawakami appeared on a TV talk show with snaps of her pet, and admitted she wondered why it "didn't bark and refused to eat dog food". She was soon set straight - her dog was in fact a sheep.

The revelation provoked a stream of women to contact the cops with "similar problems". The powers that be reckon that as many as 2,000 have fallen victim to the audacious ovine poodle con, perpetrated by internet company "Poodles as Pets", which offered the animals at £630 a pop.

A police spokesman told The Sun: "We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles. Sadly, we think there is more than one company operating in this way. The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain and Australia."

In case you're wondering how on God's Green Earth you could mistake a sheep for a dog, the Standard explains that poodles are "extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like". No, we're not convinced either.

April 24, 2007

A sexual incentive?

A Croat footballer turned up for work to find a flock of sheep waiting for him.

Defender Ivica Supe scored 16 times this season for third division Zagora FC unaware that the club's sponsor, Josko Bralic, a local shepherd, had promised a sheep for every goal scored by a defender.

Supe, 29, said: "It was a surprise, I just don't know where I will keep them. And I am expecting to score more by the end of the season."

A club spokesman said: "We are only a small club, and we could not get anyone else to sponsor us.

"There is no industry in the area, it's only a small village, and we were delighted when Mr Bralic offered to support us with sheep."

April 23, 2007

File under: Genius

[ananova reports...]
Caffeinated soap has been launched to help people who don't have the time for both a shower and a coffee in the morning.

Manufacturers claim their Shower Shock soap releases caffeine that is absorbed into the user's system and provides the same hit as a two cups of coffee.

The soap is also infused with peppermint and citrus scents so the user doesn't end up smelling of coffee, reports the Guardian.

A shower gel is also on offer, although the makers, Think Geek, warn that neither is recommended for pregnant women or children because of the caffeine content.

Jennifer Kuropkat, of Think Geek, said: "Every full body wash with the Shower Shock soap will provide the equivalent of around two cups worth of coffee.

"The caffeine is absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream. It has exactly the same effect as if you were drinking coffee. Your blood pressure and pulse rate will increase, making your brain feel more alert and awake.

"The caffeine will then last in your system for approximately four hours - the same as two cups of coffee. They really are time-saves as you don't have to wait around for your coffee to brew in the morning."

The 4oz bars of soap, available via the internet, cost £3.50, and there is also a smaller travel version. The Mountain Dew shower gel costs £6.50.

April 21, 2007

You can transform? Not like these guys.

I spent the weekend moving house and then going to an open day at an agricultural college, which was way more fun than it sounds. The open day, not the moving. The moving was okay though.

Anyway, if I hadn't been doing that, I would surely have been creating my own Transformers (Robots in Disguise!) outfit.

But if I did, it wouldn't be a patch on these guys who have clearly reached the very pinnacle of Transformerdom.

April 20, 2007

Submachine 4: The Lab walkthrough solution

Welcome to my walkthrough for Submachine 4: The Lab

Check out my other game walkthoughs, including all of the Submachine series, Samorost and the Crimson Room series at http://flanerie.org/games

Also, if you find this walkthrough useful, please use my Google ads to say thanks! Thanks.

This walkthrough is presented sequentially and in a fairly wordy way so that you should be able to find the solution to the bit you are stuck on without accidentally seeing solutions for bits you haven't reached yet.

The Roof
You start on a roof and on-screen tips will guide you to find a hammer and work your way into the attic. Now you are on your own.

Examing the white coat to find some naphthalene, the go right to see a gramaphone. Up in the rafters above the gramaphone you will find a rubber tube. Right again finds a chair, a radio and a strange doo-hickey that you might recognise from Submachine 2: The Lighthouse. Down on the floor you find a chimney brush. Also on the chair is a tiny ball. This is the first of 21 secrets. They are of no significance to the main game, but add an extra challenge. Way down at the end of this walkthrough is a list of the 21 secrets, should you be missing a few.

Go left twice to reach the entry ladder, and left again to see a small drawer unit. Above it is a key on a hook. Left again reveals a locked door and a table with papers on it. Your shiny new key doesn't help here. Check under the table to find a gas handle.

Head back to the ladder and go up onto the roof. Use the chimney brush on the chimney and then head back to the fireplace that is where the gramophone is. A bunch of soot has come out and you can now get a door key.

This is the key you need to get out of the attic, so head on down.

The Lab
Go down two flights of stairs to reach the computer room. Go left to find the computer and interact with it be pressing the green button. Keep pressing it to create a conversation with Murtagh. Eventually you will get a sheet of notes on the printer, which contains vital information for the game.

Go right back past the stairs and on to an odd looking metal thing. Nothing can be done with this now, so go on right to the end of the room where you will find a lighter.

Back to the stairs and head down to find a beaker and then down again to the lower floor. There is a table with a couple of chairs. Pick up note 4 and note 5 from the table and have a read of them.

Go left and through the door to enter the bathroom. Pick up some soap and then commit a random act of vandalism by hitting the shower head with your hammer. No leave the bathroom and go right twice to find a table and a ladder. On the table is a CD. Go right again to reveal a locked door - this is where your shiny gold key can be used. Go through the door to find a bell, a control panel and some bars. This is the portal room that Murtagh referred to. You need to override the control panel somehow.

Head back left twice and go up the ladder. Pick up iron trioxide from the table, then go right to find an old fashioned bunsen burner. Here you can use a bunch of stuff - the gas handle and the rubber tube on the pipe, and the lighter to light the gas once to have turned the burner on. In theory you should be able to use the beaker here, but you need to fill it first.

So grab the screwdriver and head back up to the attic then on to the roof. If you go to the left end of the roof you will see a wheel attached to the wall. Use the screwdriver to undo it, grab the valve then head all the way back down and into the bathroom.

Place the beaker on the floor grill, attach the valve to the pipe, then turn it to get some water to come out of the vandalised shower head and into your beaker. Get the beaker back and return to the bunsen burner.

Now you can place the beaker on the burner, and you can add soap, iron trioxide and naphthalene to it (in that order). This will create acidioxide which you should pick up along with the empty test tube (tester)

Go back to the control panel in the portal room and attack it with the acidioxide. This will override it and lift the bar, and can now get to the portal and collect note 2

The Portal

Note 1 gave you seven portal locations. To jump to one, dial the number and press the button. The six other than the Lab are: Ancient Section (104), Looping Traps (690), Basement Section (529), Lighthouse Digouts (462), Tomb Traps (770) and The Ship (800).

All of these should be explored and you will always be able to get back to the Lab.

The initial explorations of each go as follows:

Ancient Section

Go right from the portal to find wooden steps down (and a symbol stuck to the wall). Go down the ladder to find a stone panel with four sliding buttons. You need to replicate the symbol using the sliders. For the symbol one room above, you need to move sliders 1, 3 & 4 (to reveal tile D). Go up and right from the panel to find another symbol (sliders 1, 2, 4) to get tile B. Back to the panel and left reveals another symbol (2, 3) to get a stone key, while right reveals yet another symbol (1, 4) to get a blocade. Also here is a knife and a bell like the one in the Lab portal room.

Down from the slider panel is a statue of a dog and a pattern on the wall. The tiles go into it, but you only have two of the four needed.

Head up twice (you are now to the right of the portal) and it looks like there should be a way up. In the wall above you is a square hole and a round hole. Use the stone key and brocade to fill these and a ladder will be lowered down.

Go up the ladder to find a statue of a horse. There is some loose stone beneath it which you can break with the hammer to get a secret.

Up again to find yet another symbol (1, 2, 3, 4) to get tile C and up again to get tile A - you will need to use the knife http://www.arcadetown.com/submachine4/gameonline.asp
Play Submachine 4 Game Online - Arcade Town .comto cut the string.

You can now complete the pattern on the wall above the dog statue. This reveals a button and when pressed a climbable column appears at the portal (which is up, up, left from where you are).

Up from the portal is a telescope and a coil plugged into an electrical thingumy. Looking through the telescope reveals nothing useful, so get the coil and go left to find another telescope, a huge lamp and note 3. The note refers to the coil needing recharging which smacks of a clue. Looking through the telescope again reveals nothing. Better get that coil charged.

You are now done with the ancient section for the moment so head off to the Looping Traps (690).

Looping Traps

This is a puzzle like those in Submachine 3. Wandering around will get you note 12, and all you can do now is solve the puzzle.

The solution is to use the machine to the left of the portal to select the coordinates of the rooms containing the flower-like thing. After selecting the coordinates press the button and the flower will have opened when you go to it (e.g. for the room directly about the portal, dial 0,1). The opened flower reveals a red button, press it to make it green. Rinse and repeat for the four flowers and the thing in the room above the dialling machine will now be active.

Move the circular glass screen to get yourself an orb.

Job done, off to the basement section (529)

Basement Section

Reminiscent of the very first submachine, this is where the coil is needed. In the portal room is a broken coil and a bit of exploring will reveal note 7, which mentions the orb you just found and also gives you coordinates to another location (551).

Right twice from the portal finds the coil charger. Plug it in, turn the handle then wait for it to glow, now take the fully charged coil back.

Go right and down to find a big scary looking machine. To the left and right of it are other machines with slots that look ripe for a charged coil. Use the coil to activate both machines (you will need to recharge it again) then activate the big machine to fire a laser. While doing all of that, make sure you pick up note 6.

With the laser working, follow its path up. It goes through the ceiling in the room with the metal arm. Use the CD to deflect the beam then go right to see where it ends up - straight over the plinth that has an image of the orb on it. Place the orb on the plinth and it will eventually break to give you a chest key.

Your job is done here but, as mother used to say, charge your coil before leaving.

Before going on to the Lighthouse, return to the Ancient Section with the charged coil. You can now activate the big lamp and see through the left-hand telescope. You will see a number scratched on the wall. Coordinates for a secret location perhaps.

Lighthouse Digouts

Head right to find a big pipe and right again to see a padlocked pump unit. You managed to hammer a padlock earlier, but not this time. Maybe it doesn't help that the pump is still going round.

Go back left beyond the portal to find note 8 and a table with four cubes on it. This matches up with the bells. Activate the four bells and this table will give you a secret. It is therefore not of consequence to the main story.

Left again reveals some ancient-style stones, but it appears to be a dead end. Oh well, try another location.

Tomb Trap

This one is all the way a dead end but it gives you note 13 and if you look very carefully at the walls it will reveal the coordinates of another location. Moving on...

The Ship

It's dark in here. Use the lighter to get the gas lamp working. Go left to find note 10 and a detonator that doesn't do anything. Right from the portal will get you another bell and a wall panel that can be opened with your screwdriver to get a secret.

Also behind that panel are a couple of wires. Cut them with the knife. Head back left and a ladder has dropped down. Head up to explore, but there is nothing else you can do here for now.

It is all a bit mysterious, but at least you picked up three sets of secret coordinates along the way.

551 Red Basement

Going left will find you note 11 and also the other end of the pipe you saw in the Lighthouse Digouts. Press the button to stop the flow.

Now go back to the Lighthouse Digouts to hammer the padlock and get yourself a turbine.

That turbine housing should look familiar. Didn't you see something like that on the ship? Head over there (800) and go up the ladders to place the turbine into the housing. You can now open the bars on the middle floor of the ship.

Through the bars you find note 14 and a chest. Note 14 gives you another set of coordinates - 728. Open the chest with the chest key to find an arm.

452 Gold But Armless

A small extension of the Ancient area and you will find a gold statue of a man with one arm. Now that's handy (sorry). Place your brand new arm onto the statue. Nothing happens, so instead go to...

043 Another Tomb

Going left twice finds you note 9 which talks about needing water. Hmm. Also, the fourth bell. Back right is a very large glowing something.

Better get some water. The bathroom in the Lab is the place to go, using the tester to collect it. Return to the glowing thing a drop some water on it to reveal a sceptre which looks like it would suit the gold statue with its new arm

Head on over to 452 and place the sceptre on the statue. It completes a circuit and you have finished the submachine challenge.

Except that you really should make sure you have all 21 secrets to get the bonus material. If you do decide to do that, make a note of the number on the wall before you head back into the game (596). When you have them all the secrets, use the only coordinates you didn't use, the ones in note 14.












Secrets

Lab
1. Attic, on chair far right
2. Stairs, one down from the attic, on floor
3. Computer room, under table
4. Computer room, inside big metal thing
5. Lower floor, room with stairs, under table
6. Lower floor, shower room, on floor
7. Bunsen burner room, under table

Ancient Section
8. Left from slider panel, on floor
9. Down from slider panel, dog's eye
10. Right and up from portal, under statue of horse

Looping Traps
11. Room beneath the portal, on floor

Basement Section
12. Coil recharger room, on electrical socket
13. Laser machine room, on floor

Lighthouse Digouts
14. Right of portal, on floor
15. Left of portal, activated by bells

The Ship
16. Portal room, on floor
17. Right of portal, behind wall panel
18. At the top of the second ladder

551 Red Basement
19. Near portal on floor

043 Another Tomb
20. Far left, on floor

End of Game
21. In the portal room

Don't forget those Google ads, and feel free to link to this page or to http://flanerie.org/games

April 19, 2007

Profile of a fraudster

Middle-aged, male, holding a senior position in the finance department. I guess that would be me....

[The BBC report...]
Middle-aged male senior company executives who have been employed for a long time are the main perpetrators of fraud, a survey suggests.

The international KPMG Forensic study found that white-collar company fraudsters often commit more than 20 separate frauds before being caught.

Instances of fraud could go on for years. Typically, it takes between one and five years to detect a fraudster.

Finance departments are the most prone to fraud, the accountancy firm added.

While building up a profile of a typical fraudster, the accountancy firm looked at 360 company fraud cases across the UK, Europe, the Middle East and Africa.

In 60% of cases, senior managers were the perpetrators; of which the overwhelming majority were middle-aged and male.

The perpetrators seniority allowed them to commit multiple offences over a long period of time before detection.

Over half the fraudsters actually committed more than 20 separate offences.

"Status in the company makes it easier for them to bypass internal controls and inflict greater damage on the company," Richard Powell, partner at KPMG Forensic in the UK, said.

"Given the repeated and extended nature of most frauds, companies need to work extremely hard to detect frauds earlier, through tighter internal controls, data analytical tools, and more widely publicised fraud reporting mechanisms," Mr Powell added.

Interestingly, it was more often a colleague blowing the whistle on fraud which led to the criminal being detected, rather than the triggering of internal anti-fraud measures.

Overall, KPMG branded many internal controls within companies as "weak" and called for them to be improved.

As for the scale of losses, among the cases examined by KPMG, the average fraud was 1m euros ($1.4m; £680,000).

Often firms had little prospect of getting this money back and had to bear the loss themselves, the group added.

April 18, 2007

Friends of the Idler - Rabbits

Disrespect to police spokesperson Viktoria Galik for missing the whole point of being free...

[stuff.co.nz reports...]
BUDAPEST: Hungary's busiest highway, connecting Budapest with the Austrian capital Vienna, was closed after a truck carrying rabbits crashed, letting 5,000 of the animals loose on the road, police said.

The M1 motorway was closed around 40km west of Budapest and could remain closed for hours while police try to capture the escaped animals, highway police spokeswoman Viktoria Galik said.

"There are thousands of them on the road but they're not using their newfound freedom well; they're just sitting around, eating grass and enjoying the sun," Galik said.

April 16, 2007

Surely not

[ananova report...]
Walt Disney has unveiled a range of 34 bridal dresses inspired by films like Sleeping Beauty and Beauty And The Beast.

The dresses by designer Kirstie Kelly were unveiled in New York and cost between £755 and £1,500, reports Metro.

Bridal couples can already choose a Disney-themed wedding with rides in a Cinderella carriage and appearances by Mickey and Minnie Mouse in formal attire.

Packages start at £2,000 but average about £13,500. Disney's new line of gowns is aimed at couples with a tighter budget.

"We are enticing them to step up without breaking the bank," said Jim Calhoun, executive vice-president for global apparel at Disney Consumer Products.

If successful, the wedding gown collection could be extended to include other Disney Princess-branded fashions and home furnishings for adults.

"If it really is the lifestyle opportunity we think it is, then it opens up possibilities beyond the day of the wedding," added Mr Calhoun.

April 14, 2007

Game du Jour

Soccer Challenge

I blow at this game but that would probably be due to poor eyesight, shaky hands and a general average to playing anything that seems like sport.

Anyway, you will probably have more success than me.

Try Soccer Challenge here

April 12, 2007

Forty and Fat

My birthday dinner was a treat from my other half - I had only specified that it must be somewhere I had never been and a walkable distance from home. Thankfully this remit excluded the local chip shop, of which I am already a patron.

Her choice was The Vanilla Pod in Marlow and a seven course dinner. They threw in a couple of bonus courses to make it nine and at the end of all that I was fatter than Elvis.

Cream of celeriac
Butternut Squash Risotto
Seared Scallops with Purée of White Beans and Bourbon Vanilla Foam
Pink Grapefruit Mouselline

Roasted Sea Bass on Purée of Jerusalem Artichoke infused with Truffle
or
Rump of Lamb on buttered Savoy Cabbage and Woodland Mushrooms
(we had both and shared)

Trois Laits Cheese with Pear Chutney
Apple and Cranberry Compote with Greek Yoghurt
Tahitian Vanilla Panna Cotta with Doughnuts
Petits fours

All the food was delicious and I now have a tough act to follow in August.

April 11, 2007

Statistics and lies

According to a news item on the BBC, entitled "Sickies 'make up 12% of absences'", we are a bunch of slackers and it is costing the country dear.

"Overall workplace absence, including genuine illness, cost the economy about £13.4bn in 2006, the CBI added.

Workers took an average of seven days off sick in 2006, it said.

This was about half a day more than in the previous year and equated to the loss of 175 million working days."

Which just goes to show how lacking in imagination the BBC is. Not that it stops there, the entire news media ran the same shoddy statistics.

'Costing the economy' is an odd notion, since money just moves between different pockets.

Try this for a different spin, taking the flanerie.org approach to life:

Economy Boosted by Workplace Welfare
New figures show that 750,000 workers would lose their jobs if workplace sickness absence was reduced to zero, increasing the jobless rate from 5.5% to 8.0% of the workforce.

Economists warn that such a dramatic increase in unemployment could push the economy into deep recession by reducing retail sales and triggering a house price collapse.

See? It just takes some lateral thought rather than being solely focused on profit at the expense of common sense.

April 10, 2007

Happy Birthday

...to me.

Today I am 40. Please send tea, sympathy and chocolate.

April 8, 2007

Happy Easter

I made a rare foray into London today to collect King Pickles from the Science Museum. He has been an exhibit there for four months and although I have missed him I am sure he has brought joy into the lives of many thousands of visitors.

It was an appropriate day of collect the rabbit since today is Easter Sunday. It is written in the bible that on Easter Sunday the three kings arrived to visit Jesus. "Too late your majesties," said a wandering peasant, "he's in that tomb over there."

The three kings went to the tomb and forced it open with a gemmy. Inside they found no sign of Jesus, although frankly how would they know what he looked like? Instead there was a large rabbit in the tomb, holding a basket of chocolate eggs.

"Thank Christ for that," said the rabbit, "I've been stuck in here since Friday."

And the three kings ate heartily of the chocolate and one of them was sick.

April 7, 2007

Recent Reading

Thanks to Charlotte's book club, I have been reading a very mixed bag recently. The downside is that I have limited reading time and book club is taking 80% of it, but I do manage to sneak in the odd personal choice.

Therese Raquin by Emile Zola was a book club choice and I only managed half of it before losing the will to go on. Having previously read and enjoyed The Beast in Man, I was expecting a lot better, but there you go.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro was another book club choice, but it was my nomination. It is an original and very engaging book that follows the lives of a group of clones who have been created purely to be organ donors. It could have been darkly depressing, but it is written with an almost surreal optimistic lightness. Ultimately it is a book about humanity and love, and one might conclude that the latter defines the former.

The Voyage of the Sable Keech by Neal Asher is a lovely piece of sci-fi escapism. I have to be nice to Neal since he is the unofficial flanerie.org Laureate, but I would have enjoyed it even if he wasn't. If you like a bit of sci-fi and you haven't read Neal Asher yet, start with Gridlinked then keep on going.

Earlier on in the year was The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It is sactimonious twaddle and should be avoided.

And now I have just started on The Girl With A Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier. Another book club choice and a book I would never otherwise have read.

Meanwhile my pile of books to be read keeps growing. I need to resist buying any more until I can catch up, although that would take about a year or a major illness.

April 6, 2007

Consigned to history

It occurred to me in the shower this morning that you never hear the phrase 'Y2k' anymore. Clearly this is a good thing since it was an exceptionally annoying thing to hear.

Quite why the thought occurred to me I can't explain, but it got me thinking about other annoying phrases.

Top of my shit-list at the moment is 'no biggie'. A wholly unnecessary and obnoxious phrase that needs to be expunged from the record as soon as possible.

Additionally and also, any sentence that begins with the word 'basically' should be inadmissable in conversation.

Which phrases or buzzword annoy the crap out of you?

April 5, 2007

What's wrong with Veranda?

[El Reg reports...]
A Swedish couple is battling the country's National Tax Authority for the right to call their daughter "Metallica", the BBC reports.

In Sweden, both first names and surnames have to be officially approved. On the banned list are "offensive, unsuitable or inappropriate" titles, as well as those which might "cause discomfort for the one using it".

Michael and Karolina Tomaro have already baptised the six-month-old headbanger but, despite a ruling by Goteburg's County Administrative Court that there was "no reason to block the name", came unstuck when they "tried to register the name with tax authorities before applying for a passport". Officials didn't much like the Metallica tag, and sent the case to a higher court for consideration.

Karolina Tomaro bemoaned: "We've had to cancel trips and can't get anywhere because we can't get her a passport without an approved name."

Other names which have in the past fallen foul of Sweden's vetting process include "Ikea" and "Veranda", the Beeb notes. "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116" (pronounced Albin, in case you were wondering) also got the bum's rush back in 1996, when a boy's parents tried it on "as a protest against Swedish naming laws".

Sadly, though, some poor Swedish kid is called Oliver Google Kai. Nobody objected back in 2005 when search engine expert Kelias Kai and his wife Carol slapped the poor blighter with this inspired choice of middle name.

April 3, 2007

Whatever happened to trust?

[stuff.co.nz reports...]
LONDON: Britons are a nation of spies, rifling through their partners' text messages, tapping phone conversations and even tailing loved ones with webcams and satellite navigation systems, a survey reveals.

The most favoured way of keeping tabs on a partner is checking their text messages, with more than half (53 per cent) of those questioned admitting sneaking a peek. The number shoots up to 77 per cent in the 25 to 34 age group.

The second most popular way of finding out if a partner has been a love-cheat is to read their emails – 42 per cent told the UK Undercover Survey that they had carried out such a ploy.

The third is the old-fashioned one of rummaging through a partner's pockets, (39 per cent), a technique popular with women.

Men prefer to break another unspoken rule – reading a partner's diary.

Neither is the spoken word safe from eavesdropping.

About one in three (31 per cent) of those questioned in the survey, commissioned by the Science Museum in London, for its Science of Spying exhibition, said they covertly listened in on their partner's conversations.

A small number of the 1129 people questioned, said they had even secretly recorded their partner's telephone conversations, using dictaphones or other such taping devices.

This method was the most popular with the over-55s age group, where one in 20 (5 per cent) put their hands up. This age group also included people using webcams and GSM tracking devices.

Almost one in 10 (9 per cent) have resorted to checking up on their partner by following them.

Harry Ferguson, former M16 agent, said: "Everyone has the ability to be a bit of a spy every now and again, and you don't need to have James Bond's gadgets to enter the world of espionage."

The Science of Spying exhibition ends in September.

April 2, 2007

Crunch!

There are certain words that even cor blimey flanerie.org would not use, so I need you, dear reader, to do some of the legwork on this story.

The kid has a new word - crunch! She says this when someone bites an apple, or when she cracks open a boiled egg. She says it with great gusto.

Which would be fine except for two small problems.

First is that in her universe the letter R is pronounced only if it is the first letter of a word, in all other cases it is silent. 'Tree' is pronounced 'tee'.

Second is that 'ch' is pronouced 't'. 'Cheese' is 'tees'.

Now you have enough info to figure out how she says 'crunch'.

Cannellini beans with basil

By: Nigel Slater
Found in: The Guardian magazine

This salad is at its most interesting when made with freshly cooked beans. But I have, in a lazy moment, made it with tinned beans, drained and rinsed of their brine. The texture is softer, but it's not bad at all.

250g cannellini beans, soaked overnight in cold water

For the dressing:

a large handful of basil leaves (about 50)
a handful of parsley leaves
the juice of a lemon
2 tsp smooth Dijon mustard
olive oil

Drain the beans, put them in a pot and cover with water. Bring to the boil, but do not salt till later. Salt will make the beans tough. Turn down the heat and leave them at an enthusiastic simmer.

After 35 minutes, season generously with salt and continue cooking until they are tender but with some bite. They can take anything from 40 to 50 minutes, depending on the age of your beans.

Make the dressing so that it is just ready by the time the beans are ready.

Put the basil and parsley leaves into the jug of a blender or food processor, pour in the lemon juice, add the mustard and a good pinch of salt, then blitz the mixture, adding in enough olive oil to make a thick but pourable dressing. (Start with about 50ml, and then stop when you have a good consistency.)

Drain the beans, put them in a bowl and pour over the dressing. Toss them gently and set aside so that they soak up the dressing as they cool.

April 1, 2007

Mozzarella and Green Bean Salad

By: Nigel Slater
Seen in: Guardian Magazine

serves 2

French beans - 150g
broad beans - 750g (approx. 300g shelled weight)
buffalo mozzarella - 1 large ball

for the dressing:

basil leaves - about 20 large ones
white wine vinegar - 1 tbs
extra virgin olive oil - 3 tbs
garlic - 1 small clove

Top and tail the green beans and cook them in salted boiling water for 3-4 minutes till tender, then drain them and rinse under cold, running water. They should retain some crunch.
Pod the broad beans and boil them for 7-8 minutes until tender.
Drain, rinse under cold water and set them aside. If the beans are exceptionally small and the skins are thin and tender, there is no need to skin them, but if they are large then you might like to consider popping them out of their skins - it doesn't take very long and is a pleasurable enough thing to do. The result is a better salad. Whiz the basil, vinegar, olive oil and garlic together in a blender or food processor to make a smooth green dressing.
Cut the mozzarella into thick slices and divide it between two plates. Surround with green and broad beans and drizzle with the dressing.