March 2007 Entries

March 30, 2007

Game du jour

Death by Hinge.

Just, y'know, smack the guy with the hinge, and see how far you can get him. I rock at this.

Play Death by Hinge

March 28, 2007

Speed bandits

I have seen the future and the future is topless roadsigns.

I have derided Denmark in the past for being a country of muslim-hating pig-fuckers, but they do appear to have (accidentally, surely) hit on a decent idea here.

Check out speedbandits.dk and all will become clear.

March 27, 2007

Expensive mouse-take

[ananova claim that...]
A mouse munched its way through thousands of pounds of cash after climbing inside a cash machine in Estonia.

The animal was found in the machine after a customer withdrew some money and got partly-eaten banknotes outside the bank in the capital Tallinn.

Bank security experts are investigating how the mouse managed to get into the machine.

Kristina Tamberg, spokeswoman for Hansapank Bank, said: "We have never heard of anything even remotely like this happening before.

"At some stage over the weekend the chewed money jammed, and the mouse seems to have spent the rest of the weekend turning the notes into bedding.

"It probably was attracted by the warmth from the machine and decided to make itself at home."

March 25, 2007

The Cunnilingus World Record

I have received 5 visits this month from people looking for the cunnilingus world record - I can see this from my traffic logs that give details of the Google search people made that led them hear.

Now I am flattered that Google thinks I might somehow be involved in the setting of such a record, but frankly I think I would lose interest long before any sort of record was in sight.

There is a certain amount of etiquette for men 'going down'. Resurfacing after 30 seconds would be inconsiderate, but overstaying your welcome would be equally so.

The key, naturally, is 'her'. When has she had enough / been sated? And that is down to skill. A world record for cunnilingus seems to require the opposite of skill - the ability to give nothing at all to the woman concerned.

And that is a world record not worth holding.

Nevertheless, for my esteemed readers, I will see if I can find out what the record is, who holds it, and who the poor lass was.

March 23, 2007

Darwen, Lancashire

On Tuesday I visited Accrington in the North of England, a part of the country famed for cloth caps, whippets, Woodbines and wife-beating.

My route takes me past the nearby town of Darwen, a festering shit-hole that is a blight on the county, the country and, indeed, the planet.

However, there an exception in Darwen, a thrupp'ny bit in the pudding, a gem that sparkles in the ordure - Carlos Viveiros.

Carlos is a curious name in Lancashire, a county where 60% of men are called Gary. He is from somewhere is South America, or maybe Central America, and he runs a factory that makes chairs.

In one of my previous lives, I worked for a sister company that sold office furniture. We bought chairs from Carlos and sold them to our customers.

Unfortunately we were losing money like Bush loses poll ratings and, when deciding which bills to pay, Carlos was bottom of the list.

So he would ring me up to politely request payment.

[Carlos' lines should be read in a kinda South American accent, if you can manage it]

"Ah Carlos, what can I do for you?"

"Give me my money!"

"Hey, come on Carlos, you know if I had the money, you would be the first person I would pay, even ahead of my own salary"

"Just give me the money. You took my chairs, now you have to pay for them"

"But Carlos, we are owned by the same guy. I would have to get him to lend me money to give to you. He would be transferring money from one pocket to the other. So really, you need to call him for the money."

"I will come to see you and cut you with a knife! You want that? Huh? Cut you with a knife. Now give me the money."

"Carlos, given the choice I would vote not to be cut with a knife, but I really don't have any money."

"A knife. I know where you work, I can visit you tomorrow. The money or the knife?"

"Erm, okay. Let me see what I can do"

Now that is a credit control process that really works.

March 22, 2007

Learning your ABCs

[stuff.co.nz reports...]
BOSTON: A Rhode Island woman who routinely had sex with her boyfriend in front of her nine-year-old daughter to teach her about sex was sentenced to three years' probation, authorities said.

Rebecca Arnold, 37, and David Prata, 33, who received the same sentence this week, told investigators they thought the practice would help the child to learn, prosecutors said.

"Basically, and I'm tempted to say idiotically, they believed it was helpful to the girl, Ms Arnold's daughter; they believed it was helpful to her development to see them engaging in various sex acts in front of her," said Mike Healey, spokesman for state attorney general Patrick Lynch.

The pair told investigators that they allowed the girl to watch their sexual romps but did not compel her to.

Rhode Island Chief Family Court Judge Jeremiah Jeremiah Jr allowed the couple from the city of Woonsocket to plead guilty and accept probation, instead of jail time, because he wanted to spare the girl the pain of a trial, local media said.

The girl mentioned the activity to her father while visiting him in Massachusetts and he reported the incident to authorities, Healey said.

March 20, 2007

Dying for an upgrade

[El Reg report...]
A first class British Airways passenger got short shrift from cabin crew after expressing his displeasure at waking up to find them manoeuvering a corpse into the seat next to him, the Daily Mirror reports.

The elderly woman had apparently died shortly after take-off, and was quickly upgraded from economy to first class

Building firm boss Paul Trinder, who'd stumped £3,000+ for the Boeing 747 flight from Delhi to London, recounted: "I woke up to see the crew manoeuvering what looked like a sack of potatoes into the seat. But slowly through the darkness I realised it was a body. The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor. It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows.

"Then the relatives were allowed to sit in First Class and spent the next five hours wailing and weeping. When I complained, I was told to 'get over it'. I was also told BA's corpse policy would remain 'unless I've got any better ideas'. In future, if I have a choice of airlines on a particular route I'll choose anyone but BA."

BA told the Daily Mirror: "We apologise, but our crew were working in difficult circumstances and chose the option they thought would cause least disruption."

March 18, 2007

Hamster saved by vacuum cleaner

[bbc.co.uk reports...]
A hamster trapped in a kitchen pipe was eventually rescued by being sucked up on the end of a vacuum cleaner.

Henry got stuck in a pipe measuring almost 4in (10cm) wide and 4ft (1.2m) deep at a house in Tamworth, Staffordshire.

After the RSPCA failed to reach him, help was sought from two council wardens who tied a number of hamster ladders and Curly Wurly bars together.

Finally, a narrow attachment on the vacuum was used to retrieve him.

He was unharmed apart from worn down nails.

A statement from Tamworth Borough Council said the owner's son was terrified of Henry so the wardens found him a new home and also paid the vet's bill.

It continued: "Henry is now safe and sound and has been given a good home by the council's customer services manager who has adopted him for her son."
---

The owner's son has to be under suspicion for this whole episode...

March 16, 2007

Spring is a time for...

... buying scanty underwear.

March 15, 2007

Mince like you mean it

[the BBC report that...]

There really is something in the way she moves, according to researchers.

An hourglass figure has long been perceived to be the ideal figure for a woman to have.

But New York University researchers have found that to be found attractive, a woman had to move in a feminine way - swaying her hips.

Men, the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences paper found, were more attractive if they moved with a "shoulder swagger".

The waist-hip ratio has long been thought to be key to Western perceptions of attractiveness, with a small waist and bigger hips the ideal combination.

Marilyn Monroe, and now Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez are famous examples of women with that figure.

Its popularity may be down to media images, or because Western women do not need to have strong and muscular bodies in order to carry out manual labour, unlike women in developing countries.

But the US research, which was also published in the journal Psychological Science, suggests they would never have achieved their sex symbol status if they did not move in the right way.

Not just measurements

The team carried out a series of studies involving over 700 participants who were shown a variety of animations and videos of people moving.

Some showed shadow figures, where it was not possible to see if it was a man or a woman, while others obviously showed a man or a woman.

No matter which format was being used, the participants rated women or "female" figures as more attractive if their hips swayed as they walked, while men were more attractive if they had the characteristic shoulder movement.

The research also confirmed the waist-hip ratio assumption, with women's attractiveness being rated higher if their waist-hip ratio was small and men's being higher if their ratio was large.

The ideal waist-hip ratio for women is to have a waist measurement which is no more than 70% of their hip measurement.

But Kerri Johnson and Louis Tassinary who led the research, say their work shows attractiveness is not as simple as the difference between two measurements.

Writing in PNAS, the researchers said: "The body's shape and motion provoke basic social perceptions, biological sex and gender - ie masculinity or femininity respectively.

"The compatibility of these basic precepts predicts perceived attractiveness."

The team say their findings only apply to Western cultures, and other societies will judge attractiveness depending on their most prized feminine and masculine traits.

Dr George Fieldman, principal lecturer in psychology at Buckinghamshire Chilterns University College said: "This is quite plausible.

"It's the movement which attracts, and not just the waist-hip ratio per se."

He added: "It would be interesting to see what the ideal combination of measurements and wiggle is."

March 14, 2007

Dancing, but not as we know it

I guess this is some kind of school event although I have a lingering suspicion that it is a job interview at Google

March 12, 2007

Oh, Angelina

[ripped from ananova.com]
More men than women take teddy bears to bed when sleeping alone, according to a new study.

Some 20% of men admitted to cuddling a teddy, compared to 15% of women, reports Sky News.

Of the 2,000 people surveyed, 63% said they needed a bedtime cuddle to sleep.

The study was commissioned by hotel chain Travelodge which is piloting a 'Cuddillow' - a 2ft 6ins long pillow with two 'arms'.

It is being tried out at hotels in Newcastle, Durham, Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham.

Eight per cent of women said they spray their pillow or nightclothes with their partner's aftershave when away from home on their own.

But only 3% of men resorted to using their partner's perfume to offset loneliness.

Nearly three in five people felt lonely sleeping without their partner, while 16% found it difficult to get to sleep and 9% felt scared.

The survey revealed Angelina Jolie was the person men would most like to cuddle up with. Women opted for Johnny Depp.
---

Actually, I would choose Kate Winslet. I reckon she would make a better cup of tea in the morning.

March 11, 2007

An Apology

I have always assumed that travelling with children is just like travelling, but with children. It isn't.

Even with a perfectly behaved child, which Verity (mostly) was, it is a very stressful experience. There is no point packing a book in your hand luggage, it will only add extra weight which given all the child paraphernalia required, is not entirely welcome.

Not that it wasn't enjoyable, just different.

There is barely a single moment when you can think of anything except the child, its welfare, and whether it is about to run towards a security point shouting "death to infidels."

The child, of course, doesn't notice this. The child doesn't even realise that there might be something terrifying about hurtling down a runway, strapped into a metal tube full of explosive fuel in the vague hope that it might start flying.

And so, I would like to apologise to my parents for all the years of foreign holidays when I was too young to be grateful for the stress they went through; and for the years when I was old enough to be grateful but wasn't.

March 9, 2007

The USA will eat itself

Three US students were suspended from school for saying the word 'vagina' - during a reading from The Vagina Monologues.

The three 16-year-olds received a one-day suspension from John Jay High School, in New York, after refusing to drop the word from a presentation on the feminist play.

Megan Reback, who with Elan Stahl and Hannah Levinson included the word during their reading, said: "It wasn't crude and it wasn't inappropriate and it was very real and very pure."

Their defiant stand is being applauded by the play's author, Eve Ensler, who said the girls were right for "standing up for art and against censorship."

"The school's position is absurd, a throwback to the Dark Ages," she said.

The excerpt read at an event sponsored by the literary magazine at the school, in Cross River, a New York City suburb.

The girls took turns reading the excerpt until they came to the v-word word, then said it together.

Principal Richard Leprine said the girls were punished because they disobeyed orders, not because of what they said.

The school "recognises and respects student freedom of expression," Leprine said. "That right, however, is not unfettered."
[from ananova]

March 7, 2007

Submarine the fish

A Chinese man is looking for a good home for his pet carp which he says is fully trained.

Fang Peng, from Pingsai town, Guizhou Province, claims 'Submarine' responds to his name being called out.

Fang runs a fishing pond and his family have been training the carp for six years, reports the Guizhou City Papers.

He said: "He is very smart, and never takes the bait of anglers."

Fang says the fish developed his ability to understand human speech from his father who used to spend four hours a day with him.

Fang added: "He would tie a piece of cake or bread on the top of the fishing pole and call 'Submarine'.

"On hearing his name, Submarine would emerge from the water and take the food. Or I would feed him by hand."

Fang needs to find a new home for Submarine as the river which runs into his fishing pond has been diverted for irrigation.
[from ananova]

March 5, 2007

Holiday souvenir

I went to the French Alps and brought back...

...a lung infection.

March 2, 2007

Ouch

A Marlborough arborist with a broken leg spent 95 minutes stuck in a tree, only to be airlifted by rescuers straight into another tree, giving him more cuts and bruises.

Gavin Finch, 31, of Nelmac Marlborough, was topping a large pine overlooking Picton Harbour when a branch twisted and struck him as it fell yesterday afternoon.

Police, ambulance and fire officers were unable to reach Finch, who was halfway up the 40m tree, perched on a branch.

Nelmac manager Bob Boyes said it was decided to call the Wellington-based Westpac rescue helicopter to lift Finch out.

"He was topping some pines and one of the limbs – a real gnarly one – cut back on him and caught him on the leg. Just one of those things with trees; you get the odd freaky one," Boyes said.

However, as Finch and a paramedic came free of the tree, they swung sideways into another tree.

Finch suffered more cuts and bruises from that collision, Boyes said.

Helicopter crewman Dave Greenberg said it was not the perfect rescue, but conditions were difficult.

Strong winds, nearby wires and other trees made the rescue challenging, but it would have been even more difficult to rescue him from below, Greenberg said.

Finch was flown to Blenheim's Wairau Hospital, where he was being treated for his injuries.
[from stuff.co.nz]