November 2006 Entries

November 25, 2006

Appetising

Although those potatoes don't look so tasty.

November 24, 2006

Unlucky or plain stupid?

'Britain's unluckiest man' - who has suffered 16 major accidents - is laid up again after falling down a manhole.

John Lyne's misfortunes have included two lightning strikes, a rock-fall in a mine, nearly drowning and three car crashes.

Mr Lyne, 54, of Stainforth, near Doncaster, will be out of action for 32 weeks after his latest mishap, reports the Doncaster Free Press.

The accident damaged his back and injured his left leg and both knees - on top of a lifetime of broken bones.

Mr Lyne says he's not bitter - just glad to be alive.

"Everyone thinks it is just hilarious," he said. "My mates, family and wife Susan just laugh about it.

"I don't think there is any reason or explanation for it though, it has just happened really. I have to particularly be careful on the Friday 13ths, when a few accidents have fallen."

Mr Lyne's mishaps cover a lifetime. As a child, he fell off a horse and cart - only to be run over by a delivery van.

When he was a teenager, he broke his arm falling from a tree. On his way back from hospital, his bus crashed, breaking the same arm in another place. The date was Friday the 13th.

November 21, 2006

Storming Norman

The BBC reports that:

"A gunman has been found dead after storming a school in Germany, injuring a teacher and several pupils."

And it strikes me as rather tricky for one person to storm a large building. I guess if he screamed a lot he might have given the impression of storming, but it might well be that he merely ambled into the school and shot a few people.

Admittedly, "A gunman has been found dead after ambling into a school in Germany," doesn't make as exciting a start to a news story.

It reminds me of the British politician in the 70's who accused an opponent of 'going around the country whipping up apathy"

November 20, 2006

Breakfast fortified with iron

This reminds of some fuckwits I used to know. They have probably accidentally killed themselves by now.

November 16, 2006

Darwinian selection

A would-be kidnapper shot his own testicle after tucking his gun into the waistband of his trousers.

It happened as three men were attempting to kidnap a teenager in a dispute over stereo speakers in Wichita, Kansas.

One of the three pulled out a gun, fired it at the teen and missed, reports the Wichita Eagle.

The gunman jammed the pistol back into the waistband of his pants - and it went off, hitting him in the left testicle.

The 23-year-old man's reaction to his injury caused the gun to fire again, hitting himself in the left calf.

The man was arrested after he walked into a medical centre seeking help. His companions, ages 18 and 20, were also arrested.

November 14, 2006

Expletive Deleted

I have been trying to sell my house for the past 15 months. Clearly anything can sell at the right price but I did need to hit a certain price level. Add to that the large building site at the end of my road and you have the recipe for a very frustrating year.

Eventually, finally and in the end, I sold it and the sale process has been trundling along for the last few weeks. Unlike the US system of housing transactions, nothing is for certain until 2-3 weeks before you move. In the meantime the buyer does a survey, fixes up a mortgage and checks with the authorities that they aren't about to build a nuclear power station next door.

All that went according to plan and on Monday we were scheduled to sign contracts with a planned move date of 28th November. I have been boxing stuff up, have sorted somewhere to live, kicked out my housekeeper (well, okay, she was moving out anyway) and told the pigeons in the garden that the food supply might be coming to an end.

Last Friday, on the last working day possible the buyer pulled out. The fucker. The bitch.

So now I am stuck betwixt homes and with a mortgage I really need to offload. I do have a plan, more on which when it comes off.

Meanwhile I have a wax effigy to fix up.

November 13, 2006

Bah humbug

Scarborough is cancelling its ceremonial switching-on of the Christmas lights - because it's too popular.

Ten thousand visitors came in December 2005 - but fire officials say only 2,000 can safely attend, reports the Daily Mail.

So instead of turning families away - or face a compensation claim if someone was injured - council officials have cancelled the event altogether.

Penny Marsden, an independent councillor and shopkeeper, described the decision as 'a joke'.

"This is a joyous occasion when children come out to enjoy the start of Christmas - and we are going to rob them of it," she said.

But council chief executive Jim Dillon said: "A vast amount of hard work by all parties has been carried out in looking at ways of staging the event safely, but we all feel the risks are far too great."

November 10, 2006

As I approach 40...

LONDON: Looking for safe excitement? November is fig month at the Dull Men's Club, a place in cyberspace for men who feel "born to be mild" and enjoy watching grass grow and photographing garden sheds.

"Figs are good for you. High fibre and high nutritional value ... fat-free, sodium-free, cholesterol-free ... not to mention the great taste. And they are portable," enthuses the Dull Men's Club website, www.dullmen.com, just above its choice of "Anorak of the Month".

While the rest of the web teems with hazards – Trojans, viruses, bots, phishers, spyware and other people - this monochrome haven boasts "no violence or scary scenes" and does its best to exclude exclamation marks.

Instead, an analysis of baggage carousels at 376 airports globally discovers that 44.8 per cent rotate counterclockwise, 29 per cent clockwise. The site also reveals the reason for that orientation.

"Many people - corporate executives and celebrities I've heard about - enjoy doing the dull things," the site's author Lee Carlson, also known as Grover Click, told Reuters.

"It's an ordinary subject taken to extremes. Here's one: take a bucket, fill it with water, put in some wood, and watch it warp."

For the Dull Men's Club, watching water freeze is stimulus enough, as is discovering the history of soap.

One of the more adventurous pastimes for members is "Binge Flossing" - partly because it is "an inexpensive thing to do on a date".

Visiting museums is a favourite dull men's activity, and the site contains references to a plethora of resources, from safety razors through aprons to water hydrants, via a comb museum in China and Jerusalem's Tax Museum.

"One of the museum's purposes was to be a place to learn about the routine work of the tax department. Wow ... it doesn't get much better than that," enthuses the site.

Women are excluded from the site's host society, the "National Council of Dull Men, Washington, DC"

Carlson - a semi-retired former tax accountant – founded the society with a few friends along the lines of gentlemen's clubs in London and New York, to share common interests.

"Our view is that women are not dull. Women are exciting. Moreover, we think women would be offended if we said they were dull ... that it would be politically incorrect to refer to women as being dull," the site says.

"We also question what they might do if they were in one of our meeting rooms. The first thing they probably would do is rearrange the furniture. We like our furniture where it already is."
[blagged from stuff.co.nz]

November 8, 2006

Neologism

Thanks to Maddy, a flanerie roving reporter, for sending this one to me.

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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inocullate (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) (as it should)
Karmageddon (n.): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

November 7, 2006

David Hockney

I visited the David Hockney exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery on Sunday.

And very good it was too. It was a useful reminder that I don't go to exhibitions as often as I should

Next I will try to catch the Velázquez exhibition at the National Gallery.
Posted by Gerald at 8:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 3, 2006

Guy Fawkes no more

A council has decided to dump Guy Fawkes from its annual Bonfire Night party - and replace him with a tiger.

Officials in Tower Hamlets, East London, say the story of the Gunpowder Plot is now too old so there will be no bonfire and no Guy.

Instead officials have spent £75,000 on a celebration in Victoria Park that will centre on a Bengali folk tale called the Emperor and the Tiger.

A mock Bengal Tiger will pace a giant catwalk surrounded by Bangla drummers and dancers. The area has a large Asian population.

John Midgley,spokesman for the Campaign Against Political Correctness, said: "There's a time and a place for everything and November 5 is for Bonfire Night.

"It's time to tell bureaucrats that actions like these undermine our historic occasions and harm community relations."

According to the Sun Tory councillor Tim Archer said: "Bonfire Night is a celebration of our rich and proud history. It's being air-brushed out with an attempt to be politically correct."

MP George Galloway agreed, he added: "Guy Fawkes was one of the few men to enter Parliament with good intentions. It beggars belief that this council should organise a Bonfire Night without a bonfire or a Guy."

Labour-run Tower Hamlets council insisted they had not forgotten the Gunpowder Plot but had decided to try different themes.

A spokeswoman said: "This differentiates our celebrations from other boroughs and our events are proving to be extremely popular. Our sole aim is to stage an exciting event on the traditional Fireworks Night that will attract as many people as possible."
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Personally I am always up for a bit of Bangla drumming, but Tower Hamlets is a bit of a trek, so tonight I will taking in the fireworks at the Marlow disaply.

November 2, 2006

Hallowe'en

Diwali = good
Guy Fawkes' Night = good
Hallowe'en = shit

Or at least Hallowe'en in the UK. Back in the day it was an excuse for a few ghost stories while we all got excited ahead of Guy Fawkes' Night. Of course hardly anyone refers to Guy Fawkes' Night - it has become Bonfire Night or Fireworks Nights. Functional naming and I am all for it.

By the same token, Hallowe'en should become Dressing Up and Begging Night.

Pity the respectable right wing politicians who spend most of the year trying to legislate against street beggars, only to have most of the child population spend an evening in solidarity at the end of October.

In theory the one good thing about Hallowe'en is ogling the soccer-moms that accompany their spawn around the neighbourhood, but it doesn't seem to happen that way around here. I had one visit on Tuesday evening (an unexpected bonus from my long commute) and found two devils on the doorstep. At the end of my drive was a fat mother holding a fat baby. One of them will grow out of it in the next few years.

I gave the kids some out-of-date candy I found in the cupboard to mumbled, and far from profuse, words of thanks, and the younger one said "my bag is getting really heavy"

"Eat them and you will look like your mom," I said. After I had closed the door.

November 1, 2006

Death by two rings

The Te Uku-bred Barnevelder chick - hatched at Marlene Dickey's property at the start of last month - has died.

But it wasn't the extra legs that led to its death, more likely an extra anus, Mrs Dickey believes.

"He developed two bottoms and I think he got glugged up," she said.

While she was surprised by Forzie's death - he weighed a "good pound of butter" and was gaining feathers slowly - it was not totally unexpected, she said.

And it was fun while it lasted.

"He was a bit of a laugh."

Looking ungainly on its extra legs but twice as cute, the bird was an exception to the rule that chickens with defects are not normally born alive.

He was found dead on Friday and is now in the Dickeys' freezer waiting to be stuffed.

After he's been to the taxidermist, the family plan to donate the bird to Auckland Museum.

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I kinda like the way Kiwis use butter as a unit of measure. How heavy is that cheese? Ooh, a good pound of butter. Or maybe not - is a good pound of butter lighter or heavier than a good pound of cheese?