May 2006 Entries

May 31, 2006

Doctor Who

In another example of how behind the times I am, I have just started watching the new series of Doctor Who. Not the one that began 6 weeks ago but the one that began in 2005 - the first series of the all new Doctor Who with Christopher Ecclestone.

And... it's ace. It takes me back to Saturday evenings in the late 70's hiding behind a cushion while watching because the monsters in Dr Who were so scary.

This time round I am managing to maintain my dignity, although it is only a matter of time before I abase myself over Billy Piper, and it is not until season 2 that the Cybermen will appear to scare the bejesus out of me.

Cracking stuff.

Posted by Gerald at 7:59 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 29, 2006

Sudoku

Pretty much all of the national newspapers in England now carry sudoku puzzles, and some of the more upmarket ones were accused of dumbing-down when they introduced them.

Thankfully, there is no such danger at flanerie.org, where dumbing-up is the order of the day. Also I have no problem jumping on a bandwagon so late that it has just lapped me.

So I present the flanerie.org sudoku puzzle. The page needs a little work, but the java app is a beauty. Thanks to zentense for kind permission.

Posted by Gerald at 10:44 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 28, 2006

Holiday weekend

It is a holiday weekend here in England. Monday is a public holiday and it is called Whitsun, which short for Whit Sunday. So I guess today is the holiday, and tomorrow is just a bonus day. I think it might have something to do with Jesus who, apparently, died for all of us.

That being the case, thank dude. I am having a nice idly weekend and even managed to get the garden fixed up with the first rain-free day since forever.

I have also been trying to conquer the game 4 second fury. Unsucessfully. As in life, so in this game - I can barely last more than a minute.

Posted by Gerald at 9:11 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 27, 2006

Man finds badger under bed

A man returning to his home in Tønsberg late Saturday night got a nasty surprise when he found a snarling badger under his bed who didn't appreciated being awakened.

The badger (called a grevling in Norwegian) was fully grown and in no mood for a late-night party. Nor was his frightened, unprepared host.

The man called police, who arrived on the scene but met massive resistance from the badger. The rudely awakened animal ran around the room and ultimately overturned the bed, prompting the police to beat a retreat.

It so happened, however, that the badger's resistance efforts ended up getting him trapped under the overturned bed, with his rear end up and exposed. It proved a perfect place for a hastily called veterinarian to give the badger a sleeping shot.

Two-and-a-half hours after the bedroom drama began, the vet crew could finally remove the sleeping badger, and the Tønsberg man could take his rightful place. On top of the bed.

[source]
---

This doesn't do much for the image of Norway's finest although I am not sure I would want to take on the striped psycho either.

I woke up and found a moose in my bed once.

Posted by Gerald at 12:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 26, 2006

Phophonyane, Swaziland

My second stop in Swaziland - the Phophonyane Falls.

The rocks here are amongst the old ever recorded at 3.5 billion years. If you are a creationist please replace the last sentence with 'The rocks here are 10,000 years old just like every other rock on the planet.'

Posted by Gerald at 9:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 25, 2006

Artificial penis allows rabbits to mate normally

In a “landmark development” researchers have created an “artificial penis” that has allowed rabbits with damaged penises to successfully mate. The urologists say that the procedure might one day help treat men with severe erectile dysfunction.

The technique involves a new method of tissue-engineering which enabled the team to use the animals' own cells to build the spongy tissue structure that makes up the bulk of the penis.

The functioning penises were the latest achievement of Anthony Atala and colleagues at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, US. This is the same team that hit the headlines in April with the first bio-engineered human bladders which were successfully implanted into patients.

blah, blah, continued here
---

I am not convinced that rabbits need the help - rabbits breed, as you might expect, like rabbits. But now I think of it, I have never seen rabbits getting jiggy. I have seen plenty of rabbits, I see them most mornings but they are eating, and not each other.

Maybe there is more rabbity sexual dysfunction that has previously been apparent.

Perhaps the childless ones are better off though - they can go on foreign holidays while the functional ones have to settle for camping with their 200 kids.

This is a complex issues and we need to think, THINK before we go inventing artificial rabbit schlongs.

Posted by Gerald at 7:22 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 24, 2006

Headline of the week

Nay, of the month!

---
Breeder to dress cows as prostitutes

A Waikato cattle breeding specialist is to advertise its services by dressing cows up as prostitutes.

Ambreed New Zealand Ltd, in Cambridge, is understood to have contracted King Street Advertising, in Hamilton, for a photo shoot on a Waikato farm.

Hamish Bruton, marketing and communications manager for the country's second largest artificial breeding company, did not want to talk about the campaign as he wanted it to be a surprise to farmers.

Ambreed managing director Graham Bowen refused to comment.

Established in 1969, Ambreed's core business is dairy semen production and sales.

---
[from here]

Gotta love those Kiwis

Posted by Gerald at 8:15 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 23, 2006

Germans

The British have an issue with Germans, or at least they think they do.

It is all founded on an inferiority complex. The British and Germans are very alike - for a start both have Germans as head of state and both have appalling cuisine. But the Germans have always been more successful and this sticks in the craw a little.

In order to feel good about themselves, the British insult the Germans and go on (and on and on) about winning the World Cup in 1966. The Germans don't worry about 1966 because they have won the World Cup a few times since while Britain focused on creating yob culture and chavs. In football terms England is supposedly Germany's biggest 'enemy', although the history of Germany vs Holland puts paid to that falsity, and Germany vs Turkey is always far more than a simple game of football.

Alongside comments about 'German efficiency', as if it is a bad thing, the typical gibe about the Germans is that they lack a sense of humour. This isn't true, not even remotely true, but inferiority complexes never let the truth get in the way of a good whine.

The Guardian newspaper explored this phenomenon in an article today, and it is worth a read if you have the time. It ends with a few jokes submitted by Germans. I am not sure whether they illustrate my point or refute it...

Andrea Foss, 46, Schleswig Holstein

"What is romantic?" "I don't know." "When a man strokes a woman tenderly with a feather."

"What is perverse?" "I don't know." "When the chicken is still attached."

Tabea Rudolph, 26, Stuttgart

There are problems in the woods. The animals of the forest are always drunk, so the fox decides to ban alcohol. The following day, the fox spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks him off, and carries on his way. But the next day he sees the rabbit drunk again, and gives him a final warning. The next day, the fox does his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he notices a straw sticking out of a stream. Wondering what it is, the fox scoops it out, only to find a very drunk rabbit on the other end of it. "How many times do I have to tell you that animals of the forest aren't allowed alcohol?" says the Fox. "We fishes don't give a toss what the animals of the forest aren't allowed to do," says the rabbit

Gerhard Bischof, Bad Toelz, 57

A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."

Wolfgang Voges, 56, from lower Saxon

Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born." "No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg." "You're both wrong," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead."

Posted by Gerald at 8:41 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 22, 2006

Super powers

I was at the hospital this morning for a Dacroscintogram scan. A what? Exactly.

When I checked in to the radiology department I said 'I am here for something unpronounceable' and gave her my appointment letter. She couldn't pronounce it either and played safe with 'ah, one of those.'

This is the deal: radioactive water is placed in my eyes and then I sit still (very, very still) in front of a fancy radiation detector for 20 minutes while it tracks the progress of the water through my tear ducts.

What should one do when sat still for 20 minutes? I am sure I was not alone in falling asleep.

The results will be sent to my consultant and he will haul me in to tell me the news.

Meanwhile 'a small amount of radioactivity stays in the body for 24 hours.' By rights that means I have super powers including the ability to see through walls and cook toast with my eyes.

Given that I would only use such powers for evil, I have placed myself under house arrest until tomorrow.

Posted by Gerald at 8:13 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 21, 2006

Update: An iPod for free?

It is now 9 weeks since I signed to earn a free iPod at getitfree.net and I am starting to have my doubts. You might be thinking I was mad to ever believe in this deal but hey, I am a born optimist.

My own status is pending and the same goes for the 7 people I have recruited. The blurb says it takes at least 30 days, and 4-8 weeks on average, for confirmation that you did the necessary to qualify.

So I guess I am not way outside the timeline but you would have thought one of the eight would have been confirmed by now. It might be time to email them.

Posted by Gerald at 4:47 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 19, 2006

Agent of Beelzebub

In England spiders are discreet - brown or dusty black, moderately small and hide away in dark corners.

Which is how it should be.

So consider this creation of Hades - yellow and red flecked body, black shiny chitinous legs, and a web the size of a football net; waiting while the morning sun catches the silken threads to give the impression of fire.

I am still having nightmares about it.

Posted by Gerald at 8:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 18, 2006

Joke du Jour

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Posted by Gerald at 7:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 17, 2006

What friends are for

A woman left her friend as "security" at a petrol station after running out of money - but never came back.

The 20-year-old told the attendant in Muenchberg, Bavaria, she would drive to the nearest cash machine and left her friend, Maria Hundstorfer, as security.

But when she failed to come back after two hours, the petrol station owner called police.

Hundstorfer, 31, who was forced to take the train back to her home in Saxony, said: "We've not been friends for long, we met at a party and this was the first time we'd gone anywhere together. I can't believe she just left me sitting there."

A police investigation into the young woman found she had committed similar acts of theft at petrol stations across the state.
[lifted from ananova]

Posted by Gerald at 7:45 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 16, 2006

The Da Vinci Code

I have been avoiding the book like Shmuel Goldstein might avoid a bacon sandwich. But then I don't know Shmuel Goldstein, so it might not be a great analogy.

I invented Shmuel. This is a journalistic method that is known as 'making shit up.'

If you are a real Shmuel Goldstein and got here after an egosearch (searching for oneself) then (a) shame on you; (b) what is your view on bacon sandwiches?

Moving on, or at least spluttering the tired engine of thought into life, I have found myself getting excited at the prospect of seeing The DVC on the big screen.

This doesn't change my view of the book. The book is shit. I have not read the book, but I know shit when I see it, not least because I have read plenty of shit in my time. The last thing I need is another book with no literary merit - I have sci-fi for that. Romance for chicks, sci-fi for guys. That's how it works. Chicks like people, guys like things.

But anyway, the movie will be cool . I see two or three movies a year (yes, that is pitifully few) so I can't be doing with any dross, but I think this one will be worthy of my fleeting attention span.

I already know the gist of the storyline - the Mona Lisa was painted by Jesus. Sweet!

Also, it portrays the Catholic church as a bunch of bastards which, well... it is not for me to say, especially not with the abusive comments I am receiving from elvis fans. But what I am thinking is... making the Catholic church look bad is not so difficult. I am thinking soft target.

Next week, 'Are lemons sour?'

Posted by Gerald at 8:55 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

May 15, 2006

Confessional

West Wing finished for good last night. Or at least until they remake it. For a couple of years then.

Anyway, I have never seen a single minute of West Wing. I feel kinda bad about that.

Sorry.

Posted by Gerald at 1:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 14, 2006

Wrong number

I was highly entertained by this story about Steve Wozniak (tech-deity) in Wired:

---

"Among his other activities, Woz collects phone numbers, and his longtime goal has been to acquire a number with seven matching digits.... After more months of scheming and waiting, he had it: 888-8888. This was his new cell-phone number, and his greatest philonumerical triumph.

The number proved unusable. It received more than a hundred wrong numbers a day. Given that the number is virtually impossible to misdial, this traffic was baffling. More strange still, there was never anybody talking on the other end of the line. Just silence. Or, not silence really, but dead air, sometimes with the sound of a television in the background, or somebody talking softly in English or Spanish, or bizarre gurgling noises. Woz listened intently.

Then, one day, with the phone pressed to his ear, Woz heard a woman say, at a distance, "Hey, what are you doing with that?" The receiver was snatched up and slammed down.

Suddenly, it all made sense: the hundreds of calls, the dead air, the gurgling sounds. Babies. They were picking up the receiver and pressing a button at the bottom of the handset. Again and again. It made a noise: "Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep."

The children of America were making their first prank call.

And the person who answered the phone was Woz."

---

This reminded me of long-forgotten episode...

Back in 1994 I was working for a software company. It was when I first got online - irc, bulletin boards, majordomo email lists and the NTSC browser. Such innocent days! Anyway, that's not important.

Six months into the job I started receiving calls intended for the local movie theatre. It was due to misdialling - the theatre had used a fairly random collection of digits and a local code rather than an easy to remember 800 number.

I was only getting 3-5 calls a day and with caller display I could see them coming. I either answered politely and explained their error or let the call go to voice mail.

It wasn't long before I got bored of that so I started giving out movie information.

"Movies around 7pm? Yes madam, we have Forest Gump at 6.50pm and Bambi meets Deepthroat at 7.05pm"

"There will be no movies this evening due to an infestation of fleas, but we will be open again tomorrow"

"Entrance fees? Adults £3.60, Children £2, Pensioners £2, men with beards £8"

I then moved on to answering the phone as a sex toy shop, an abattoir, 10 Downing Street and the Samaritans (an advice line for the depressed and troubled). Next was offensive shouting into the phone, and finally heavy breathing.

And then I got my number changed as a visit from the local police was becoming increasingly likely.

Posted by Gerald at 11:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 13, 2006

Mad hair day

When you get your hair braided they never warn you that removal of the braids will result in a 1980's fashion disaster.

Still, at least Miss Elly had the son of a hairdresser on hand to do the honours.

Before and After
Posted by Gerald at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 12, 2006

Travel snap of the week

Not according to me, but according to the website of the Guardian newspaper. Like, here, along with a critical verdict.

Which is all rather splendid.

Posted by Gerald at 7:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 11, 2006

Garden news

What, I hear you cry, has been happening in the garden lately?

I am glad you asked. Here are a couple of news items:

A wedding
The Robin has a new wife. Or the Robin has a new husband. Either way, I have two Robins where I once had one. I am assuming I originally had a male, since he is fat, and his new companion is skinny. That's how it works with humans anyway - the obnoxious fat git gets the skinny bitch.

Interestingly a second male appeared on Sunday while the other two were chowing down. Robins are fiercely territorial so I got ready for a bit of a ruck but nothing happened. They managed to co-exist within a few square feet. Menage a trois?

A christening
Two young blackbirds have fledged somewhere very near by and have adopted my garden as a good place to learn some basic skills, such as pecking at stones, hiding in bushes and crash landing. The parents occasionally check on them but are probably hoping they bugger off soon so that they can start on the next brood.

Congratulations to all concerned.

Posted by Gerald at 8:35 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 10, 2006

Fire blamed on pet fish

A pet fish has been blamed for a house fire which nearly cost a woman and her two daughters their lives.

Kipper, an eight-inch catfish, is thought to have triggered the blaze when it fought with a rival in their tank.

Water splashed out of the aquarium and landed on an electric plug below, reports The Sun.

It sent a power surge up the tank's light cable which burnt the plastic lid which melted and dripped onto a leather sofa which burst into flames.

The blaze soon engulfed the lounge as Sharron Killahena, 25, and kids Nicole, six, and Kerry, two, slept upstairs in the house in Poole, Dorset.

Luckily a smoke alarm woke landlord Simon Justice, 25, in a different room, who woke the family in time to escape.

Their home was wrecked and their six fish died but Sharron said: "At least we are here to tell the tale."

---
[ripped from Ananova]

There seems to be a lack of karmic justice in this. The owners were clearly fuckwitted (both for having an exposed plug and for naming a catfish 'kipper') while the fish were innocent victims. Result: owners alive, fish dead.

Posted by Gerald at 8:56 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

May 9, 2006

Mlilwane Nature Reserve

My first ever safari - self-driven around the Mlilwane Nature Reserve in Swaziland.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't expecting the wildlife completely be so unafraid of people.

No elephants or lions on this reserve, but plenty of Warthogs, 20 flavours of antelope, and the ever popular disco donkey.

We also saw a massive crocodile sleeping on an island which was bad in terms of getting a usable photo, but good in terms of not being terrified.

Posted by Gerald at 8:02 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 8, 2006

Tom Harrold at 93

Happy Birthday Granddad

Posted by Gerald at 8:24 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 7, 2006

Official: Brits better than Americans

Middle-aged people in Britain are healthier than their American counterparts, despite healthcare costing nearly twice as much per person in the US, according to a study released yesterday.

The research found that rates of diseases such as diabetes, lung cancer and high blood pressure among Americans aged between 55 and 64 were up to twice as high as in England. Americans also had higher rates of heart disease, heart attacks and strokes.

The study's authors said lifestyle differences such as smoking, drinking and obesity could not explain the difference. They speculated that more fundamental differences may be to blame.

"It was surprising to find such a big gap between the two countries," said lead author James Banks, an economist at University College London. "If anything, given the higher health spending in the US, we might have thought that health levels would be a bit better there." Per capita spending on medical care is £1,176 in the UK compared with £2,866 in the US.

The disparities were all the more surprising because the team made the two sample groups as similar as possible. They used data from about 5,000 non-Hispanic white people aged between 55 and 64. Other studies have found that ethnic minorities suffer from different health problems for genetic and economic reasons.

The team found diabetes was twice as prevalent in the US (12.5%) compared with England (6.1%), and heart disease (15.1% compared with 9.6%), lung disease (8.1% compared with 6.3%) and cancer (9.5% compared with 5.5%) were all higher.

To check that the results were not a result of Americans reporting more health problems, the team also compared measurements of substances in the blood such as cholesterol. These also revealed large differences.

But the disparity was not simply down to lifestyle differences either. In both countries about one fifth of the study group were smokers, but heavy drinking was more common in the UK. Obesity was more common among the Americans, but not high enough to explain the difference.

Professor Banks speculated that experiences earlier in life might be responsible. Perhaps childhood obesity left a health imprint that shows up later in life. "The obesity epidemic began later here, we are now catching up," he said. "If that is the explanation then this health gap may potentially be closing in the future."

Obesity rates among under-10s in the UK have risen from 9.6% in 1997 to 13.7% in 2003 and the British Medical Association believes this will lead to more heart disease and some cancers.

Another of the study's findings was that moving up the economic ladder improved health. "A lot of the discussion is about poverty - poor people have poor health and everybody else has reasonable health. But that isn't what the data show," said co-author Sir Michael Marmot, of University College London. "The higher you are the better your health, the lower you are the worse your health."

He thought the reasons for this gradient could also explain the health gap.

Although the economic gap between people at the top of US society and those at the bottom was larger than in the UK, the health gap was about the same, so the difference must be due to more than just inequality.

"It might be that the nature of an unequal society is affecting everybody," he said.

[lifted from The Guardian]

Posted by Gerald at 10:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 6, 2006

I heart Swaziland

How you arrive in a place has a significant impact on your first impressions.

I have never visited New York, but when I do I want to arrive by boat, just like the immigrants did. It would give a true sense of arrival.

As an aside, whenever I mention to an American that I have never visited New York, they look at me like I have just shat on the floor. What is the big deal? Just another city full of Americans, like Vegas and Baghdad.

Anyway, we arrived in Swaziland by road from Johannesburg - a five hour drive. Intially flat plains with brown savannah grass and a truly enormous sky. Later on it gave way to the spectacular Drakensberg mountains, and with the sun struggling to stay above the peaks, we crossed into Swaziland. It was something about that climb to a mountain pass border post that gave a sense of effort and reward.

Swaziland is both poor and impoverished. It has the world's lowest life expectancy, at 32.6 years, unemployment is 40% and the adult HIV infection rate is 38%. And yet it doesn't seem like that - the welcome was very friendly everywhere, and there was a sense of optimism, of people trying to make the best of a bum deal. Of course, we only saw the more commercial elements - Mantenga Lodge, Mlilwane Nature Reserve and Phophonyane Falls Lodge - but all were delightful and our road trips were picturesque as any I have taken.

It also has more jaywalking cows than you will see anywhere outside of India. Even the motorway had cows wandering along it looking for a particularly choice piece of grass.

Swaziland is a tiny country (the smallest in Africa and only a little bigger than Connecticutt), and we were there two nights and one day, which is probably 24 hours less than would have been ideal. I will definitely visit again next time I am in eastern South Africa.

More on the nature reserve once I have sorted through my photos.

Posted by Gerald at 4:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 5, 2006

The Tuesday Game: Sable Keech

I know it isn't Tuesday, but my blog posts are as far behind as my workload at the office.

This game is borderline lame and is a promotion for the most recent book by the lovely Neal Asher. Somewhere along the long, he paid for it to be developed, which has got to be disappointing. If I was an author and my publisher wanted to piss money away on a game, I would want a lot more sex and violence in it.

Anyway, Sable Keech

Posted by Gerald at 8:08 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 4, 2006

That will be $200 plus the use of your wife

An Illinois man is suing a marriage guidance counsellor for having an affair with his wife.

Scott Buetow, 35, of McHenry County, had hired the therapist to improve his marriage, reports the Chicago Sun-Times.

But he claims that instead Dan Blair began an affair with his wife that caused the couple to divorce.

His lawsuit seeks more than £100,000 in damages from Mr Blair and the counselling centre where he works.

"He [Blair] had an obligation to provide services, and he willfully abused that for his own benefit," said attorney Hans Mast, who represents Mr Buetow.

Mr Buetow and his wife began seeing the counselor in April 2004 to 'strengthen and stabilise' their 10-year marriage.

While providing both joint counseling and individual therapy sessions, Blair allegedly started a secret romantic relationship with Buetow's wife.

Buetow filed the suit because he believes "he got a raw deal from the person he trusted and confided in," Mast said.

Buetow and his 36-year-old wife, who have four children, were granted a divorce earlier this year.

[ripped from ananova]

Posted by Gerald at 8:11 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 3, 2006

Damnit, I had to come home

South Africa and Swaziland were both fabulous, in different ways.

I can't really do them justice in this post, and I probably can't over several posts, unless I am to suddenly become a talented travel writer.

For now, just a couple of photos (from the 500 I snapped!) and the news that I am back, am tired but have had a great holiday.

Mountain sunset, Swaziland

Giraffe fight, Timbavati Game Reserve, South Africa

Posted by Gerald at 6:58 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 2, 2006

Intermission 8: Lagoon

Posted by Gerald at 5:58 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 1, 2006

Intermission 7: Kiwi

Posted by Gerald at 5:58 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack