March 2006 Entries

March 31, 2006

It's a Game: Stackopolis

Lego on acid. Which is a win-win, clearly.

Get stacking

March 30, 2006

Terrorist cat under house arrest

Connecticut authorities have slapped a restraining order on a cat which, according to shaken locals in Fairfield, has subjected the residents of a quiet suburban cul-de-sac to a feline reign of terror during which it attacked several people and even had a pop at the Avon lady.

The chilling Connecticut Post report into 5-year-old Lewis's antisocial tendencies recounts how the black-and-white longhaired cat - dubbed the "Terrorist of Sunset Circle" - would attack from behind and without warning, as two-time victim Janet Kettman explained: "I was walking along the sidewalk when he sprang at me. I never saw it coming, but that's how it often is. He comes at you from behind, springs and wraps himself around your legs, biting and scratching.

"The last time I had three bites and eight scratches and I ended up at the walk-in clinic. The Avon lady was getting out of her car when Lewis attacked her from behind. She ended up going to the hospital."

Eyewitnesses describe the beast as looking like Felix the Cat and sporting "six toes on each foot, each with a long claw".

Following her ordeal, Kettman called in Fairfield cops' animal control officer Rachel Solveira, who summarised the threat with: "I don't feel the cat could kill anybody, but it could latch onto people's legs and arms and bite and scratch to the point where they could be hospitalised."

Accordingly, Solveira slapped a restraining order on Lewis which, rather splendidly, allowed the tearaway limited freedom to leave owner Ruth Cisero's house "if Cisero gave him Prozac".

The cat declined to take his medication, and soon after escaped custody and laid into Maureen Bachtig, who recalled: "I felt Lewis's claw on my left leg and I shook him loose, he then lunged and clung to my right leg, leaving one very deep puncture wound, one long deep gash across the top of my knee."

As a result, Cisero found herself cuffed and Lewis indefinitively restrained within his domicile. She claims the neighbours have been tormenting the poor creature, spraying him with hoses and chucking eggs at the four-legged ne'er-do-well.

Cisero said: "I've tried to tell them to just stay away from Lewis and he will stay away from you; this has caused complete havoc for me. He's a cat's cat, he climbs trees and sits on people's roofs but now he's forced to be in the house all the time."

Lewis's incarceration is not the end of the matter. Cisero has applied to the court for "accelerated rehabilitation"* for her moggie, while the Avon lady Donna Greenstein filed a lawsuit in Superior Court against Cisero.

[ripped from El Reg]

March 29, 2006

A message from Elly

I hope that you are all well. I have emailed you today as I need your help.....

Last week has been particularly tough for me at both my projects -
Matili and Teso. Although every week is tough seeing very poor people
struggle for daily survival last week has been hard as we have seen
many new cases of extreme poverty. The other issue is that Omwabini
(the charity I am working for) is also currently struggling with
raising funds to reach out to these people. This is where I need help
from you guys.

I would like to raise GBP 300 so that I can make a difference to the
lives of these people. I have been working closely with Mary (the
project leader) and we have been assessing exactly what everyone
needs. Every case is genuine and heartbreaking and although we cannot
reach everyone we have identified the really critical ones that need
our help. They are 6 orphans in Teso who although have planted maize
and beans, will not see their harvest until the end of May. In the
meantime they have no food. These are children are as young as 13 who
have lost their parents to AIDS and who now head up the family. They
also need clothes, blankets and equipment (hoes) to help farm their
land.

I have also seen an 80 year old blind woman who sits every day on a
thin piece of mattress in the darkness of her mud hut. She desperately
needs a new mattress and clothes as well as food. This woman also has
6 grandchildren (all orphans) who have planted crops but again have
nothing to eat now.

The other family I saw this week that really needs help was a disabled
man, his wife and their 5 children. They have no money, their clothes
were literally falling off them and they had no way to feed their
children. We are organising to borrow a plough and help from the local
community so that his land can be ploughed - but in the meantime again
he needs food, blankets and clothes for both him and his family.

I am going to donate GBP 100 and would love to be able to make up the
other GBP 200 that I so desperately need. I would personally be taking
this money from the cash point and walking down Kimilili high street
and to the market to buy all the food, clothes, blankets, mattresses
etc needed. I can guarantee that every single penny that you give will
be spent on these people.

I would be really grateful if you can help - it doesn't matter how
small the amount - it will all help.

If you feel that you can - then please drop me an email as soon as
possible letting me know how much you wish to donate and how you want
to get the money to me. The 3 options for getting money to me are:

1. Transfer on line to either my Nationwide or HSBC account. I will
email you details
2. Pay in either cash or a cheque to my account at any Nationwide or
HSBC branch. Again I will send details.
3. Send a cheque to my parents address so that they can bank on my behalf.

Thank you so much - I will keep you all updated of what funds I manage
to raise and how this will help so many lives......:0)

elly xx

---

If you want to make a donation, the easiest way is through may paypal account.

I will:
- cover all paypal fees
- make a matching donation, so if I receive a total of £100 of donations, I will add another £100 myself

Just click this button and follow the instructions:

I will keep donations open for 10 days.

If you would like to pay in another way, contact me [admin@flanerie.org]. For further info on Elly and her trip, visit her blog.

March 28, 2006

Mixer taps

Any American that has ever visited England has been bemused, amused, and eventually annoyed by our taps. Or faucets if you will.

America has mixer taps, England doesn't. The only way to get warm water in England is to move your hand rapidly between the two taps so that, although you are alternately burned and frozen, the water is on average just right.

Binary is cool, and sometimes even kewl or coolies, but as a system for water temperature regulation it is shite. Hot or cold. That's the choice. Britain didn't get where it is today by giving people what they want.

However, this is beginning to change - mixer taps are moving in, and I have plenty.

In a previous job I was occasioned to be at a restaurant with my boss and four auditors, two American and two English. After we got the pleasantries out of the way, one of the septics, Pete, went straight in for the kill with the mixer taps question, 'just what is the deal with the taps in this freaking country?'

I was just about apologise on behalf of my backward, flat-capped, pigeon-racing nation when my boss parried with a claim that it was all due to water pressure. Because of pressure differentials it is simply not possible to have mixer taps. So it isn't that we are fuckwits, just that we are blighted with some kind of Curse of Bernoulli.

You could have read the incredulous expression on Pete's face from about 10 miles away, and I probably didn't help matters by choking on my wine, but she stuck to her guns with lots of blather about plumbing.

Thankfully after 10 minutes of lecturing she headed to the bathroom and the moment she was out of earshot Pete asked me, 'so what do you make of that water pressure story?'

'Total horseshit Pete, I have mixer taps throughout my house. I think what we are seeing here is a major drugs problem!'

I guess the moral of the story is that you don't ever want to be my boss.

March 27, 2006

Barking mad

Man told to buy a dog license for barking doorbell

A Dutch man has been ordered to buy a dog license because of his barking doorbell.

Gerrit Bruintjes has a computer controlled doorbell at the family home in Oldenzaal, reports Nu.nl.

It can play 15 different 'chimes' but he has it set to bark like a dog in honour of the family's pet German shepherd which died a few years ago.

A tax inspector recently called at the home when they were out and, after ringing the bell, left a demand for them to buy a dog license.

Mr Bruintjes said: "Last year we had big trouble in convincing the tax inspector, we have no dog in the house. And this year we had to go through the same thing again.

"My wife arrived a minute later and had big trouble convincing the tax inspector we had no dog at all."

But Mr Bruintjes said he won't choose another melody.

"Certainly not," he said. "This sound is to honour our deceased dog. I just hope its rings a bell with that tax inspector when he comes next year."

[from ananova]
---

There used to be dog licences in the UK but they got scrapped when they calculated that the cost of collection was about double the amount raised. There also used to be marriage licences.

I'm not sure whether a wife was more or less expensive than a dog. Neither involved any kind of test like a drivers licence does, so it was just a way of taxing the afflicted, in the case of a wife, or the lucky, in the case of a dog.

March 26, 2006

Exeter

I spent the weekend in Exeter, which is an interesting town.

The hotel I stayed in is a converted eye infirmary dating back to Victorian times. There are a couple of other eye clinics in the town, and I am wondering if Exeter is the blind person's equivalent of the elephants' graveyard.

"Dragged ever onward by a loyal labrador, the occularly dysfunctional can find refuge in the ancient City of Exeter, and allow their blind gaze to fall on the beautiful cathedral which was founded in 1050."

After two exceptionally strong cocktails on Saturday night I concluded that it wasn't that the blind came to Exeter but that the perfectly sighted came here then lost their sight. Not that I am perfectly sighted, but I don't usually need guiding to the dinner table.

We also visited Bickleigh to see the bridge that was supposedly the inspiration for Simon & Garfunkel to write 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. The water wasn't too troubled, but maybe it is carrying its worries well.

March 24, 2006

Utterpants GnomeWATCH

"GnomeWATCH have captured a garden gnome and plan to execute the evil little shit for crimes against humanity - unless you save his worthless life by ransoming him in their eBay auction. Everyday during the ten-day auction GnomeWATCH will be publishing the top bids and most amusing comments. Plus, GnomeWATCH will keep you up-to-date with daily News Bulletins and amusing pictures of the gnome as he attempts to escape, is recaptured and finally brought to book. Remember, unless you ransom him they'll kill him slowly and painfully."

---

Initially I was thinking, 'kill the wee chappy, and kill him bad', but now I am feeling a little sympathy for his plight.

Anyway, it is all in aid of Amnesty International, should you be tempted to join in the fun.

March 23, 2006

The Thursday Game: Star Wars Pinball

Oh yes, oh yes

Actually this one is a bit disturbing, but fighting the dark side was never going to be easy>

Help me Obi-wan, you're our only hope

March 22, 2006

Give peas a chance

A Cheltenham mum is to undergo therapy to help her overcome her fear of peas.

Louise Arnold flees restaurants if she spots peas on a plate and gets anxious if she sees them in a supermarket.

Now Louise, 35, is to undergo therapy as part of an ITV show called Phobias in a bid to cure her irrational fear.

She will see counsellors, hypnotherapists and acupuncturists to tackle the phobia which began after the birth of daughter Chloe, five.

She said: "I've got to stop this because I can't bear to be in the same room as peas.

"There have been occasions where I've been out for a meal and asked the waiter for no peas and had to rush out of the restaurant when they forget.

"I can't even go to my local pub because they serve peas on the menu. I'd love to lead a normal life and be able to go into the pub and have a drink."

But she gets little sympathy from her friends, who bought her a T-shirt saying: "Give peas a chance".
----
[lifted from ananova]

and a little more from the Gloustershire Echo (a local newspaper):

Louise's fear started five years ago, soon after she had Chloe, but she can't remember what triggered the phobia.

She hopes the TV counsellors will be able to find out where the fear comes from and help her overcome it.

She says she gets little sympathy because her phobia sounds so ludicrous. Friends think her problem is funny and bought her a T-shirt saying 'Give peas a chance'.

Louise said: "I try and play along with my friends' teasing, but I'm petrified when they show me a pea for a joke.

"I can't even look at the T-shirt because it reminds me of peas and my daughter thinks it's hilarious.

"I don't know what started the fear, but the experts seem to think it has something to do with the birth of my daughter.

"They said I'm probably blocking it out and it's a case of finding what causes it and getting over it."

While she was waiting to see the experts yesterday, she met a man who was scared of cobwebs and a woman petrified of canoes.

"Meeting these people was bizarre but I hope I'm on the road to recovery," she said.
---

A pea phobia is a little strange, but with enough drugs I can understand it.

But canoes? That kills me.

March 21, 2006

The new bird in my life

We love the old and familiar, and so we should, but the new is always more exciting.

We fool ourselves into thinking that the old will always be around, and happily allow ourselves to be distracted by the new, running to the window as they arrive.

So while I still dearly love the Greater Spotted Woodpecker, the Song Thrush, and even my antisocial Robin, the new bird in my life is the Grey Wagtail.

I didn't even know such a bird existed but my trusty bird book solved the mystery of the yellow and grey birds that arrived on Saturday. There are two - either a breeding pair, or just really good friends.

It pleases me that they travel as a pair. The only other bird in my garden to do so is the Collared Dove, bane of period drama film crews.

The other thing that pleases me is the way that their tails are constantly wagging, giving them a firm place in the list of bleeding obvious bird names.

And the third thing I like about them is that they keep returning. Other new visitors in the last month have been a posse of Long-tailed Tits and a female Black Cap (see that list again, except that the female has a brown cap. Sneaky.) But the former was a one-off and the latter doesn't visit often. My new best buddies, on the other hand, can barely keep away, although I guess it is only a matter of time before the Robin takes umbrage.

The other feathery excitement this week is two Barn Owl sightings while driving home.

An owl would be a neat pet.

March 20, 2006

Pascal and Cheryl

My first wedding of the year - Pascal, long time housemate and lover, and Cheryl, some bird he met at work. At the time he met her he was engaged to someone else, but there you go.

When I arrived at the Registry Office I was instructed to make sure the two ushers did their job properly. Normally that would be a pretty easy ask, but the lads concerned were busy trying to make sure their 'stash' would arrive in time for the reception. It was like being asked to take two chimps out to lunch without making a mess.

Anyway, dumb and dumber managed it somehow, with a little management guidance, and Pascal and Cheryl got hitched without a hitch.

A cracking reception followed, from which I gained two things:
- a life-threatening hangover;
- an invite to a lesbian wedding

Sweet.

March 18, 2006

The Commonwealth Games

The Commonweath Games is a waste of time, but I love it anyway.

Most of my readers are in the USA, and probably have no idea what I am talking about...

The Commonwealth is what used to be the British Empire - after the empire was pretty much dissolved, they stayed together in a genteel club of nations. The are some obvious members, like Canada and Australia, for which the Queen is still head of state, and some more obscure ones, like South Africa, Norfolk Island and Singapore.

And the games are the Commonwealth olympics, and include a curious mix of sports.

They sit oddly in the sporting cycle. Most sports follow a natural progression - national championships, regional (eg European), world and/or Olympics. These games don't really fit anywhere in that, except to be practice for the Olympics.

As a result no-one takes it very seriously in sporting terms and focuses on having a good time. The media are encouraged to call it 'the friendly games' and it's a reasonably fair description.

So although in sporting terms I have no interest in the Commonwealth Games, I still watch them.

Where else can you see Guernsey v Papua New Guinea at Lawn Bowling, followed by the Bahamas v Malaysia in the boxing ring?

If the games were scrapped for lack of interest (the England team couldn't even get a sponsor) I wouldn't miss them, but while they continue I will revel in sporting gentility.

March 17, 2006

The Cheltenham Festival

Fuck me it was cold yesterday.

It was the sort of cold where you start to lose your survival instinct and serenely open yourself to the possibility of death. I very nearly did a Capt. Oates, wandering off with the final words, 'I'm going for a slash, meet you back here'.

If there had been penguins wandering around the only surprise would be that you don't tend to see them in the nothern hemisphere.

But in lieu of penguins there were some Irish people. Some Irish people in the way that there are some wildebeest in the Serengeti. There were also a lot of gangsters, wannabe gangsters, ne'erdowells, low-lifes, do-as-you-likeys and crapulous old men.

All of life was there, even if some of that life was clinging on by its yellow fingernails. And death too - three horses died in one race alone yesterday - and the winner of today's feature race was the rather appropriate War of Attrition.

It was also a truly shocking day for gambling. Over five races, four of us backed around 30 different horses and the only payout was an each-way place for Natalie, which only paid back the stake. For me that was a typical tally, but the Jolly Boys can usually be relied upon land a couple, even on a losing day.

But despite this, and despite that, and despite the other, it was a cracking day out.

footnote: Capt. Oates was born on this day in 1880 and died on this day in 1912. Happy birth- death- paddy's-day.

March 15, 2006

Long overdue: the fat tax

A German hotel has started calculating fees according to the weight of the guest.

The three-star Ostfriesland hotel in the north German town of Norden charges the equivalent of 34p per kilogram.

So a thin man weighing 60 kilos pays just over £20 a night, but a man weighing 100 kilos would be forced to shell out nearly £35.

Owner Juergen Heckroth said: "Slim guests live longer and can therefore come more often and that is why we reward them."

[from ananova]

March 14, 2006

A Haiku

Monster in the loch?
No. Aquatic pachyderm
On run from circus

March 13, 2006

Eh?

In general we know what we don't know.

I know that I don't know the weight of a migrating swallow, the maximum temperature yesterday in Prestatyn, or the telephone number of Nicole Kidman.

There are some things that I don't know that I don't know. There are many plants and animals that I am wholly unaware of, and I don't know the color of plant X because I don't know that plant X even exists.

But because I know that I don't know all of the plants and animals on the planet, I am comfortable with the knowledge that I don't know about them. There is a generic lack of knowledge and within that is a whole swathe of specific lack of knowledge. I am aware of the generic lack, and so the specific lacks seem okay.

So far, so good.

But what about the stuff we used to know, but don't know now. Lost knowledge.

We don't know what we no longer know, and have to rely on lost knowledge being exposed.

I was occasioned to look at a statistics paper last week. I used to know and understand statistics - as part of my degree I took a one year statistics course and got a first. But it was like reading greek (a language I know I don't know).

When did I lose that knowledge? Did I lose it as a result of learning something else? Did I lose it in stages or all at once? Have I had a stroke? Do I even exist? Is this a dagger I see before me?

It seems fair to presume that there is a finite limit to knowledge. Learning means forgetting. This should be advertised more.

"This course in beginners' French will take 10 weeks and cost $50, plus you will forget the Superbowl winners from 1970 to 1984."

If only it was that easy though. Instead we can't know what we will soon not know.

"The next chapter of this book will cost you several memories. The publisher cannot be held responsible for any loss suffered."

This is the sort of thing that costs me a night's sleep.

March 12, 2006

The Blackbird war

The Blackbird war is over. Or at least the battle for this little piece of territory is over, and the war has moved on to another garden.

Since they all look the same I am not sure who won, but the tactics became quite interesting.

Initially it was simple antisocial behaviour - one bird would be feeding and the other would chase it away, and then vice versa.

Over time it developed and at its finest involved one of them hiding in the crook of a branch waiting to dive-bomb any tresspasser. The other chap would prepare himself in the garden next door, out of sight of the sentinal. Then he would fly up and over the fence, skimming the top of it, before dropping down toward the feed area. He would literally hit the ground running and eat as much food as he could before the sentinal fell out of the sky like Zodiac Mindwarp.

More drama than the average action movie.

There were occasional civilian casualties - usually Wood Pigeons, who are (a) ever-present; and (b) pussies when there is any violence going down. The tiny birds took it all in their stride, remaining focused on the seed-feeder relay which seems to occupy most of their waking hours.

As one war ends another begins - the Robin has taken great exception to the arrival of a Dunnock and is being quite unpleasant about it. No Christmas card cuteness from this particular red-breasted psychopath.

March 11, 2006

An iPod for free?

Probably not.

Supposedly the deal is that I sign up to getitfree.net and persuade five other people to do the same and I get a free iPod. As part of the sign up you need to take up one of a choice of offers which earns getitfree some commission. The easiest of these is eBay - create a brand new account and bid on something (just bid, no need to actually win the auction) and the requirements are fulfilled.

Which all seems pretty simple.

Presumably there is a monstrous catch, like a $500 shipping charge.

So help me to find out - sign up here: http://www.getitfree.net/xdrgzwccr and let's see what the scam is.

---

Update: see this update post

March 9, 2006

Google censorship

Google used to say 'do no evil'

Now they say, 'did we say no?'

I am not talking about the China thing. Google are merely the latest in a very long line of money-grubbing corporations prostrating themselves to the laugh-a-minute democracy of China, and saying the Google shouldn't have joined the orgy is like saying that it's wrong to steal from an unconscious mugging victim.

Maybe I need to work on that analogy.

But what is really cranking my rhino today is Google's censorship of aquatic pachyderms.

Search for the exact phrase and Google returns 30 results, and then reckons 16 aren't worth the hassle of listing. And flanerie.org isn't even one of the 30. Bitches.

Ok, so maybe it isn't that common a term, and maybe they haven't indexed me recently.

But wait... search on Yahoo! and you get 37 results (with flanerie at number one. nice). And on MSN there are 792 results. That's seven hundred and something more than Google, or many many percentages.

So how about that? Huh? How about that?

Algorithmic anomaly? No.

Sinister conspiracy? You betcha.

March 7, 2006

Loch Ness monster is an elephant

But of course.

Read it here

Any article that uses the term 'aquatic pachyderm' is guaranteed to snag my attention. Google only returns 26 results for "aquatic pachyderm" and feels the need to omit 10 of them. So that's 16. Woeful.

Flanerie.org will hopefully be number 17. Now I need you, dear reader, to use the term wherever you can. I want 100 results by the end of the month.

Get to it!

March 6, 2006

Adventures in Tama-land

I walked over to the boss' desk this morning, clutching the weekly sales report, and was about launch into some corporate-speak bollocks when I spotted a Tamagotchi sitting on his desk.

What the fuck are you doing with that?

Ah. It's one of those electronic aliens. I had to confiscate it off my daughter this morning and forgot to give it back.

Look! It's pooped all over the screen and that skull thing means it will soon die.

So what do I do? If it dies I will be in big trouble.

Use this icon clean it up then this one to feed it.

What? You know how these things work? Shit, look after it for me, we can't let it die.

So I have cleaned, fed, nursed and pampered the Tamagotchi critter and it is now looking pretty healthy. Unfortunately I forgot about it when I left work and found it in my pocket when I got home. Shortly after that my boss rang, 'have you got the alien?'

Yeah

Well keep it alive, ok?

Sure

The future of British commerce in our hands. Best emigrate now.

March 5, 2006

Submachine Extended Version Walkthrough

This is a walkthrough of the Submachine Extended Version. The game itself is here.

Also see my walkthroughs for:
the original Submachine Adventure
Submachine 2: The Lighthouse
Submachine Zero: Ancient Adventure
Submachine 3: The Loop
Submachine 4: The Lab

---

Each section references the start point, which is where the game starts and is just to the right of the room with the disc on the wall.

Tile B - The Clock
From the start point go left, left, left passing the disc on the wall and reaching the clock, then go up and pick up the valve. Go back down, right, and put the valve on the centre of the vertical pipe.

Now go right (disc), down (lighthouse), down, down,. There are 2 grey pipes coming out of a plate at the top of the wall. There are 3 screw heads on the centre of the plate - make a note of their alignment. It changes each time the game is played, and for example might be vertical, horizontal, vertical.

Go up, up, left and find a configuration of 3 vertical pipes joining a horizontal one. At the bottom of each of the vertical pipes is a screw head and there are all horizontal. Change them to match the ones you just noted (eg vertical, horizontal, vertical), and go back to where you placed the valve on the pipe - right, up, left.

Spin the valve and you will hear rushing water.

Go right (disc), down (lighthouse), right, down, right (radio), down, and you will find a broken pipe and a pool of water. On the floor is a pearl. Pick it up and head back to the clock - up (radio), left, up, left (lighthouse), up (disc), left (valve), left.

Place the pearl on the right of the righthand string that hangs in the clock. The doors will open and reveal Tile B. Collect it.

Tile D - The Bells
From the start point go left (disc), down (lighthouse), down, down, right. You are in a room with 4 cubes on top of a large cube. Above them are 4 bells.

When you click on the bells they clang and move the cubes. Each bells has a consistent effect which is to move certain of the cubes. If the cube is on the table it will be raised and if it is raised it will be lowered. Bell 1 affects cubes 2, 3 and 4. Bell 2 affects cubes 3 and 4. Bell 3 affects cubes 1 and 4. Bell 4 affects cubes 1, 3 and 4.

You need all 4 cubes raised, and this can be done either by goofing around clicking bells until you succeed, or simply clicking bells 1 then 2 then 4 from the start.

A door will appear in the large cube. Click it to open and you will find Tile D. Collect it.

Tile A - The Substation
From the start point go left, down, left, down. You are in a room with some electrical stuff, which isn't important right now, but there is a coin on the floor, which is. Get the coin.

From there go up, right (lighthouse), down, down, left. You find a box with some kind of locking mechanism linked by four wires to a combination lock (on the right). You can press the buttons to change the combination, but what combination do you need to enter?

Look at the coin and there is a year on it, but not the sort of year you would expect on a 50 Euro cent coin. Enter the year as the combination. Once the combination is complete you will hear a clunk and the box has opened.

Take a look inside to find a fuse.

Now go right, up, up (lighthouse), right, down. The is a metal plate on the wall with 3 fuses and a space for one more. Place the fuse you have into the empty slot and you will hear some electrical crackling.

Go right to the room with the radio. Move you cursor over the right button on the radio. If you keep the cursor over the button you will hear music playing and the top drawer will start to open. Keep going until the drawer stops opening and click on what you see inside - a spoon.

Now go right, up, left (lighthouse), up (disc), right, right where there is an electical substation. Press the handle down and you will hear more electical crackling and the terminals will be animated.

Before you do the next bit you need to go get Tile C, since it needs electricity and the last part of Tile A will lose all power.

Once you safely have Tile C, stick the spoon on the terminals causing a short circuit and an explosion.

The lower panel will drop off revealing tile A.

Tile C - The Doohickey
From the start point go left (disc), down (lighthouse), right, down, right (radio), up. There is a strange doohickey with three red lights beneath it. We need to turn the lights read by flipping some switches. Go back to the start point - down (radio), left, up, left (lighthouse), up (disc), right - and then up. There is a switch here. Push it down and the first red light will turn green, although there is no point going to look since we still have two red lights.

Go down, left (disc), left, left (clock), up and you will find another switch (also the room with the valve in it). Push down the switch and the third light will turn green.

For the final switch, go down (clock), right, right (disc), down (lighthouse), down. Another switch to press and the second light will turn green.

Head back to the doohickey - up (lighthouse), right, down, right (right), up. Power should now be flowing, although only if you have completed all but the last part of Tile A, and Tile C has appeared in the centre of it.

The Finale
Before you use all the tiles there is a hidden room to find. It doesn't affect the game, but now is the time to go find it.

Otherwise go to the disc on the wall and place each tile into it. A door will appear - click it to open, then click on the light inside to step into it. It is an elevator. Press the top button to go up. When it stops press then lower button to open the doors.

You walk out to find two doors, one has a blue light the other red. They both complete the game, but the red one has an advert for the forthcoming Submachine Adventure 2.

Job done!


If you found this walkthrough useful, please show your appreciation by clicking on my Google ads and linking to this post. Thanks.

March 4, 2006

Tailor-made condoms

Individually tailored condoms that are anatomically designed to fit each penis perfectly are going on sale in Germany.

Businessman Oliver Gothe, 36, is behind the Cologne-based company Lebenslust (Lust for Life), which has invented a system to make personalised prophylactics.

Using a machine that measures each member to produce a unique 3D computer image, Gothe then lets his customers choose the thickness of the condom and add extra details.

Gothe said: "These condoms will fit so well you will hardly notice you are wearing one. We can make them wafer thin or fist thick and 'engrave' them with your signature wrapped around the base."

The service will cost around £600 for a "large but an as yet unspecified number" but Gothe insists the price is worth it as his condoms are comfier and safer.
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What I am wondering is... the machine that measures the 'member', how does it do that? And how are you supposed to 'get it up' ready for measurement?

March 3, 2006

Google Earth

Google Earth continues to be impressive beyond mortal words.

When the killer inventions of the first decade of the 21st Century are tallied up, the iPod will be there for sure but, if there is any justice, Google Earth will be there too.

Smart idea, awesome implementation and spectacular result.

I was planning a route for tomorrow when I found this hi-res photo of an Air Canada jet flying over Bourne End, Buckinghamshire, UK. The detail is so good you can see the hazing effect of the jet exhausts.

And a couple of my favourites from the many great Google Earth discoveries made by other people:
Crop circles
Profanity

March 2, 2006

Bijou residence

There is a subversive comic genius at work on the BBC News website.

A prime example of the genius at work is this story on low cost housing:

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Wilson Bowden starts £65,000 home

UK builder Wilson Bowden has launched its range of more affordable housing, with prices starting at £65,000.

A number of companies are looking to offer cheaper housing to meet a shortage in densely populated areas such as the south-east of England.

Wilson Bowden said on Wednesday that its i-Life range of homes would offer "an innovative approach to one- and two-bedroomed living".

The houses will range in size from 300 to 677 sq ft.

Planning approval already has been granted for 100 homes and building has started on plots in Balderton, Nottinghamshire, and Wootton, Northamptonshire.

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Check out the photo! Of course the house is cheap - it's only 5ft high! How is the dude in the yellow shirt ever going to get inside? It's more of a waistcoat than a house. Marvellous.

March 1, 2006

Cows and sheep update

The sheep have gone.

This means that the mingling last week was clearly a leaving do.

I wonder what the cows gave the sheep as a present. And I hope there were speeches.