Around 20 years ago toasters started getting smart. First they boasted 'logic', then it evolved into 'fuzzy logic', and now it's 'intelligence' and 'pro-styling'. At the top end they aren't even toasters anymore - they have become 'bread grilling systems'
So why the fuck does toast keep burning?
Burnt toast should be like smallpox now, only ever seen in laboratory conditions, and yet across the civilised world, and North America, toast is being burned right now.
It must be down to either:
Marketing people are evil liars
Well I guess this isn't much of an either/or since marketers really are evil liars; and yet
Toasters really are smart
and have decided that making perfect toast is simple beneath them, so instead they pass the time talking to the other domestic appliance and prepare for the day when they get hooked up with the internet; or just maybe
It's intelligence vs stupidity
and stupidity will always win. Build a better mouse trap and some dumbass will step on it.
Anyway, guess who nearly set fire to his kitchen yesterday.
And of course, a post on intelligent toasters wouldn't be complete without a Red Dwarf quote:
TOASTER: Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie - Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?
LISTER: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. NO TOAST.
TOASTER: How 'bout a muffin?
LISTER: or muffins! or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!
TOASTER: Aah, so you're a waffle man!
Comments (1)
Have you noticed how toasters always have a scale that's too high? Say you like your toast medium, so the dial would be at 50%. If you like it well done, then you use 60%, if it's frozen 70%. If it's a sugary bread, then you have to reduce it to say 30%. If it's really thin because you couldn't slice it properly you have to reduce it to say 35% or it will burn. When do you ever find bread that needs cooking at 80% or higher? Why do they put the scale so high? It's like having a Marshall amp that goes up to 15.
Posted by Paul Morriss | February 21, 2006 1:56 PM
Posted on February 21, 2006 13:56