February 2006 Entries

February 28, 2006

Weather: changeable

The weather forecasters say the weather will be changeable when they have no idea what will happen. It wouldn't be cool to say 'we don't know what will happen, try sticking your head out the window' so instead they say it will be changeable.

In recent years, in England anyway, weather forecasters have tried to avoid that tricky business of forecasting what will happen by spending a good half of the weather bulletin saying what happened today. Sadly they get that wrong most of the time too.

But I guess we don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blow. Yeah, Dylan man. Yeah.

Anyway, today there was beautiful spring sunshine in the Cotswolds, and then there was a blizzard. A real blizzard with a white-out. It only lasted ten minutes and then it reverted to spring. And then another ten minute blizzard and then back to sunshine again. Like woah man, awesome.

And with that sort of weather the forecasters don't have much of a chance.

Posted by Gerald at 10:21 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 27, 2006

Hung like a horse on Viagra

Crikey!

[lifted from the Guardian here]
---

Two vets and a pharmacist were among 24 people arrested by police in Naples yesterday over claims that they fed Viagra to horses running in illegal races to make them go faster.

The arrests were part of a wider investigation into clandestine racing and betting in southern Italy. Police said horseowners and jockeys had also been arrested during the latest raids.

Prosecutors in Naples have been trying to stamp out illegal horse racing, which takes place on public racecourses after hours and attracts hundreds of gamblers. Stolen horses are often used. Some are fed powdered Viagra or other stimulants to improve their performances.

Colonel Mario Pantano, of the paramilitary carabinieri, said all of those rounded up yesterday were suspected of being in an organisation that runs secret races all over the Campania region and which had offshoots in Sicily and Emilia Romagna.

The criminal gang, not linked to the local Camorra mafia, was described as highly professional.

"They set up grandstands and betting parlours," said Col Pantano. "A great number of people turned out at weekends for the races, probably knowing it was illegal." The wide-ranging investigation, which started in 2004, has also discovered that horses have been doped with Viagra before legal races.

Police have so far seized property worth more than £3m during the raids. Last year, officers confiscated 80 horses and closed a racetrack that had been built without planning permission.

Posted by Gerald at 4:41 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 26, 2006

Comedy Club

Thor and Odin are up in Valhalla and Thor turns to Odin and says, "It's great being a god and everything but I haven't had sex in a millennium." Odin says, "Well, what you need to do is go down to earth and find what they call a lady of the night and treat her." So Thor goes down to earth and the next day returns with a smile from ear to ear. Odin says, "It was good, then?" "Good?" replies Thor. "It was great! We did it twenty-seven times in one night." Odin is horrified. "Twenty-seven times?!? Mere mortals can't handle that! Go back to earth and apologize," he tells Thor. So Thor goes back and finds the woman and says, "Sorry about last night, see, I'm Thor..." The woman replies, "You're Thor? I can't even pith!"

---

I went to a comedy club last night on the occasion of a stag night. A chavtastic venue replete with stags and hens. The compere and comedian number 2 were very funny. Comedians one and three were appalling. Such are comedy clubs - the quality of the humour is a crap shoot.

We did manage to get abused by comedian number three for being 'miserable bastards', probably because we were ourselves abusing anyone who laughed at him. But there you go. If the guy on stage isn't doing the job, make your own entertainment.

Posted by Gerald at 9:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 25, 2006

More on that smoking ban

Having nailed my colours to the mast last week, I was highly entertained by David Hockney doing likewise in today's Guardian. He is on the other side of the debate and starts with a few very selective facts before going moving on to personal attacks. Such quality entertainment that I am tempted to change sides just to reward his penmanship.

Over to you Mr Hockney...

----

I can tell you don't seem to get it. I don't think the MPs know what they are actually doing. I do not have a high opinion of them. The case against the medical evidence about smoking is this. They have got all their statistics I have read them. I have read what they shout on the uglified cigarette packets, but I will make this observation.

In the Labour party - let's get a lot more human in our observations - the 80-year-old Mr Benn is a happy pipe smoker; Mr Robin Cook took up "healthy" fell walking, it killed him; same with Mr Smith; Tony Banks another non-smoking vegetarian health fiend falls over with a stroke at the age of 61.

What does one deduce from this? That fate plays part in life, that mysterious forces are at work on life, it is not all "material". The medical statistician cannot grasp this, but almost everyone else does. This is why people will always ignore the prude and prig.

Gorrdon Brrrown is a prig P.R.I.G., a dreary atheistic Calvinistic prig, who I'm sure will never be elected in England. He goes along with a "health lobby" whose view of life itself I detest.

I have utter contempt for it. I feel I am entitled to my opinion. I don't mind prigs but when they want to take my little corner as well, I have a right to argue against their dreary view of life contaminating mine.

I don't think the press know their readers anymore. I am spending time in provincial England. There is an anger you don't seem to know.

This utterly over the top legislation is tyrannical (mine Host gone for a Burton) and is spreading a dreadful intolerance.

New Labour has become the most bossy prober into lives. It comes across as very anti-English. The first thing they did was set up a parliament for the Welsh and one for the Scots. England is Britain according to them.

Mr Blair would not give a holiday for children for the Queen Mother's funeral; he did not want them to see the symbolism. The BBC didn't even see it.

Watching it I pointed out Van Eyck, Massacio Veronese, all the European grand tradition of pictures was there. To hell with it they say. Yet people were moved by it. The Daily Mirror thought no one would be interested. They haven't a clue.

You ask me: "What didn't we report?". You didn't report that you could smoke in hospitals and prisons but not pubs. It's barmy and just where bossiness leads. I repeat you should be ashamed of yourselves what you are supporting. There are plenty of no-smoking places, leave things to their natural path.

It's not just your job to give us an opinion but actually to report on things. You missed the ridiculous side of this. Wake up.

David Hockney, London

Posted by Gerald at 3:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 24, 2006

Cows and sheep

On my daily commute there are many sheep which, given that I work in an area with a name that means 'sheep hills', is not overly surprising. Then again, Shepherd's Bush in London has a notable lack of shepherds and, take it from me, bush takes a lot of finding too.

There are also a few cows, although nowhere near enough for my liking. Make cows not war, as John Lennon would say. Well, perhaps.

One field though has both cows and sheep and this pleases me immensely. I can't really explain why, but I just like it when animals get mixed together.

The only problem is, there is some kind of apartheid deal going on. The sheep hang out together, the cows hang out together, but they don't mix. They don't even almost mix - opposite ends of the field usually. This field ain't big enough for the both of us.

Yesterday morning, much to my satisfaction, the respective groups were quite close, with the most easterly sheep being near to the most westerly cow. I sensed progress - a thawing of relations, an extended olive branch, a hoof of friendship.

And then this morning complete integration! I nearly left the road in my excitement. Cow sheep, sheep cow, passing round the canapes and ferrero rocher, discussing the weather and exchanging hair care tips. Marvellous.

This evening they were back to apartheid, but now they have managed it once I am convinced they can do it again. The dam has burst.

Next up, Christians and Lions.

Posted by Gerald at 9:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 23, 2006

Blame the German dude

In this news story

...a Ferrari is destroyed in a crash at 6am. The owner escapes with a cut lip, and there is blood on the driver's airbag. The owner is over the alcohol limit.

But the owner claims he wasn't driving. A German guy called Dietrich was, but he ran away.

Erm, okay.

My lawyer would prefer it if I leave it to you, dear reader, to draw your own conclusions.

Posted by Gerald at 5:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 22, 2006

Double hundred

This is my two hundredth post. Hooray.

I always assumed I would get bored with blogging long before one hundred posts, so to reach two hundred is good. I think. Or it means I have no life.

Posted by Gerald at 7:15 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

February 21, 2006

The Tuesday Game: Samarost

It's been a while since I did a Tuesday game, but I didn't get any complaints. Hmmm.

Anyway, here is one of those "get to the next screen by clicking things in the right order" kinda games.

It's kinda Mystish. Play Samarost now.

Posted by Gerald at 7:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 20, 2006

Toasters

Around 20 years ago toasters started getting smart. First they boasted 'logic', then it evolved into 'fuzzy logic', and now it's 'intelligence' and 'pro-styling'. At the top end they aren't even toasters anymore - they have become 'bread grilling systems'

So why the fuck does toast keep burning?

Burnt toast should be like smallpox now, only ever seen in laboratory conditions, and yet across the civilised world, and North America, toast is being burned right now.

It must be down to either:

Marketing people are evil liars
Well I guess this isn't much of an either/or since marketers really are evil liars; and yet

Toasters really are smart
and have decided that making perfect toast is simple beneath them, so instead they pass the time talking to the other domestic appliance and prepare for the day when they get hooked up with the internet; or just maybe

It's intelligence vs stupidity
and stupidity will always win. Build a better mouse trap and some dumbass will step on it.

Anyway, guess who nearly set fire to his kitchen yesterday.

And of course, a post on intelligent toasters wouldn't be complete without a Red Dwarf quote:

TOASTER: Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie - Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?
LISTER: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. NO TOAST.
TOASTER: How 'bout a muffin?
LISTER: or muffins! or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!
TOASTER: Aah, so you're a waffle man!

Posted by Gerald at 8:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 19, 2006

King Lear

I went to see King Lear on Friday evening at the BMW Mini factory in Oxford, performed by the Creation Theatre Company.

An interesting venue for a play. I was kinda hoping it would be next to the production line with skeletal cars as a backdrop, but that was never likely. Instead it was in the Info Centre - a huge area with white brick walls, metal zig-zag roof and concrete floor. It made for an appropriately stark setting, and with only 239 seats, also intimate.

I have never seen or read King Lear before, although I did know enough not to expect a knockabout comedy. As is often the case with Shakespeare I was completely lost for entire sections of dialog, but got back on track before the plot escaped me completely.

And I really enjoyed it.

This summer Creation will be performing at Oxford castle and I will definitely be up for that, although I also need to take advantage of the RSC's mission to perform the complete works over the next year.

The evening was also a date, with the lovely Natalie. More on whom, hopefully much more, in the weeks to come.

Posted by Gerald at 9:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 18, 2006

Nurse attacked with frozen fish

Sometimes you begin to wonder if the BBC is making shit up for comedic value.

"A disciplinary hearing has been told how a nurse allegedly hit a colleague with a frozen fish at a Kent hospital."

"[she] then said "give us a kiss" while moving the fish's mouth, the hearing was told."

"[she] also lied about her training record, misled staff about the availability of beds on Ward 8, and bound a clerk's head and mouth with bandages while he was on the phone."

Marvellous stuff. Full story here

Posted by Gerald at 9:31 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

February 16, 2006

The Danish Olympic Team

Denmark, home of the Norsemen of the Apocalyse; home of cheese, bacon, the little mermaid, the best lager in the world. Probably. Land of Harold Bluetooth, Hans Christian Andersen and Queen Margaret II.

Surprisingly the Danish Olympic team has only four competitors - the women's curling team. Okay, so Denmark is flat, but that didn't seem to put off the Nederlands. Of course the full team consists of rather more people:

competitors - 4
coaches - 2
PR - 1
management - 1
security - 8,205

In fact the security for the team is pretty much the entire Danish military, making the homeland something of a sitting duck right now. Not that Denmark is much of a target. Or it wasn't until they jammed their nose into the hornets' nest of muslim fundamentalist politics. But then it is because of that that they needed to cart the military off to Italy in the first place. What is a country to do?

Thankfully for Denmark, muslim extremists don't go in for organised invasions, and even if they did, Denmark would probably be near the bottom of the list of targets. Why? Because if you reduce and simplify Europe, if you dumb down, distill and caricature, and if you, as it were, make a cartoon of Europe, then Denmark is Europe's pig farm. And that is never going to be prime real estate for an invading hoard of fundamentalists.

Posted by Gerald at 7:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 15, 2006

St Valenshite

Arse, double arse and bollocks.

No cards, gifts or spontaneous shags. No breakfast in bed, no dinner out, no chocolates.

Especially no chocolates.

Damn.

Posted by Gerald at 7:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 14, 2006

A ban on smoking

Britain's lawmakers are voting on a smoking ban today. Smoking will not be banned of course, but it will be banned inside public places such as offices, shops, restaurants and bars.

There may or may not be exemptions for bars that don't serve food, and private members clubs.

I am not sure whether I support such a ban or not. Personally I would like smoking to be banned in all buildings and open spaces that I am ever likely to use. But much though I would like to mould the country around my own preferences, reality means accepting a majority view and also balancing personal liberty with public health.

I tend to err on the side of liberty but there are occasional episodes that turn me into an authoritarian, wanting to ban cigarettes completely. Like the colleague whose daughter smoked throughout pregnancy and when the baby was a few days overdue joked that the it didn't want to be born as it was addicted to nicotine.

But then people as vile as that will happily harm children some other way if cigarettes are denied them.

For two years I worked in a smoking office. It wasn't just an office that allowed smoking, it was an office where management chain-smoked. The office stank, the people stank; by lunchtime the smoke formed layers; there was ash on the every surface. And funnily enough the company had a really bad sickness record. Go figure.

Ultimately, with only a third of people smoking, and half of them wishing they could quit, a smoking ban is doing a lot of people a favour, so let's haul ass and get it in place.

Posted by Gerald at 8:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

February 13, 2006

Olympic Hero: Antoine Deneriaz

Another unexpected French triumph with Antoine Deneriaz taking gold in the Downhill on the last run of the event. It is becoming clear that the support of flanerie.org is having a major impact on Team Francais. Nice work Antoine.

As with so many winter Olympic events, the Downhill is an insane invention. It is pretty close to parachuting, but without the parachute, and with only a latex fetish catsuit to keep you warm. I am surprised there aren't more deaths.

It is only events like Ski Jumping that make the Downhill seem remotely sane.

Posted by Gerald at 7:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 12, 2006

Olympic Hero: Sandra Laoura

A bronze medal on Day One for the lovely French team, and from an unexpected source - Sandra Laoura in the moguls.

She is only 27th in the World Cup standings so wasn't expected to figure in the medals, although she was second in her last event, so maybe it's a matter of peaking at the right time.

Arise Sandra Laoura, a flanerie.org Olympic hero.

Posted by Gerald at 4:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 11, 2006

West Wycombe to Bradenham

A lovely country walk this afternoon in the Chiltern Hills:

Leaves

The face in the tree

Bradenham Manor

Guard of Honour

Posted by Gerald at 8:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 10, 2006

Winterlimpics

I don't watch a lot of sport - it takes a lot of effort to follow sport properly and it's usually more effort than the entertainment merits.

The are certain exceptions and they have a common theme - a lot of sport packed into a limited period of time. Premiership football is no good - it lasts 10 months and most days there isn't any action. Likewise Formula 1, with a two hour race twice a month. But the football World Cup is a month of thrilling drama, Open golf pits man against the elements and Six Nations Rugby is an annual civil war.

Similarly the Ryder Cup, athletics European and World Cups and, of course, both editions of the Olympics.

While single sport events have purity of form, the Oylmpics has sheer breadth. There are sports at the Olympics that don't even exist at any other time, like that one that involves skiing and rifle shooting. Wtf is that about? The Olympics is like the biggest buffet ever, combined with a stomach bypass so that you never get full. It is hog heaven.

As I type I am watching some strange renaissance types celebrate the opening of the Turin Winter Olympics, and I am salivating at the prospect of bobsleigh, ski jumping, moguls, ice hockey, speed skating and igloo building.

The only bummer is that Team GB is shit so I have decided to adopt another country. I couldn't take Germany as they are clear favourites to win everything. The US is out, for obvious reasons, as are the Norsemen of the Apocalypse (Denmark). After some deliberation I have chosen France, a country that knows it onions.

Allez les bleus, and all that.

Posted by Gerald at 9:05 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

February 9, 2006

Then God made chocolate

God made the earth, the garden of eden, Adam, Eve, apples, figleaves and a serpent.

Then he made the wheel, Noah, cows, penguins, the Stone Roses, books, coffee, quorn, porn, radio 4, crosswords, mugs of tea, cricket and cheese.

All of which is a pretty good effort, but he had one more trick up his kilt - Tiroler Edle 75% chocolate.

I like chocolate. I like chocolate in the same way that the Atlantic is a bit wet. Cadbury's fruit & nut, Galaxy, belgian truffles, Green & Blacks, smarties, Lindt, Bourneville.

But this stuff... it's crack. Really. Take the best chocolate you have ever tasted, and double it. Two bars appeared on my desk (thanks boss!) and I thought, being on a diet, just one square as a taster. So much for that plan!

I still have the second bar and it is only surviving because I don't have a further supply. What I need is a chocolate dealer. Drug dealers are always easy to find (and are usually called Dougie), but where are the chocolate dealers? But if I find one, I will need to take up bulimic vomiting. Which doesn't sound too much of a price to pay.

Sex or chocolate? Both, of course.

Posted by Gerald at 9:01 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 8, 2006

I am fat

Fat, obese, lardy, tubby, circumferentially challenged.

I have an acceptable range for my weight and when I hit the upper limit I reduce my food intake to bring it back down again; a process which usually takes just a few days.

I hit the upper limit two weeks ago and my attempts at weight reduction have completely failed since. This is despite my Laugh Yourself Slim programme. And the lack of progress is beginning to annoying me.

I have even significantly cut down on my chocolate intake, which is a big sacrifice to make, and all for nothing.

So I have started to consider

erm, y'know

like

exercise

:-(

Posted by Gerald at 7:58 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 7, 2006

Thatcher: the musical

I have in the past reported that I have my dancing shoes always within reach as I await news on Margaret Thatcher.

News of Thatcher the Musical wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Still, it's a chance to offload some surplus eggs in the direction of a hapless actor. Not that I would condone such appalling behaviour. Au contraire.

Posted by Gerald at 8:38 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 6, 2006

Cartoon capers

There has been much furore this weekend over the, er, furore over the Danish cartoons. Double furore. Eightore if you will.

Of particular note was a protester who was dressed as a suicide bomber. I have only heard about this on the radio, so don't know what he actually looked like, but he is repeatedly and consistently described as being dressed as a suicide bomber.

In Terrorism for Dummies, 'Chapter 12 - Suicide Bombing' it states 'In order to best gain access to the target, operatives should blend in with civillians as much as possible.'

So how could they know that he was dressed as a suicide bomber? Surely I am dressed as one too? Okay, a camp suicide bomber. Perhaps a suicide bummer.

But enough about me, what about him? I am beginning to think that perhaps he was carrying a comedy bomb - round, black, fuse sticking out the top, you know the drill. Usually these things have 'BOMB' printed on the side for the avoidance of doubt. It is the suicide bomber equivalent of a man on bicycle in the stripey blue shirt to represent a frenchman.

In which case the man needs a standing ovation rather than a good kicking from the fuzz.

Posted by Gerald at 8:28 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 5, 2006

Kitten cannon

I wonder how far you could fire a kitten with a cannon.

To make it more interesting, let's add some trampolines in the landing zone, so that it can bounce a whole lot further. And maybe some explosives to give it a further boost.

To even up the odds a little, lets place some nasty spikes along the way, and some kitten sized venus fly traps.

And for good measure, lets suspend torpedos from helium balloons.

Now lets see how far we can fire a kitten with a cannon.

My personal record is 1,358ft

Posted by Gerald at 3:56 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

February 4, 2006

Those Danish cartoons

At least Denmark is in the news for something, even if it is for stirring up a religious hornets nest.

As usual there is nonsense on both sides of the debate. The suggestion that the media should print anything it likes no matter how offensive is a weak one. The media have a respsonsibility to society as a whole and there are times when articles and opinions are left unprinted. Most media outlets shy away from antisemitic viewpoints even though there are people that genuinely hold these views.

There are certainly public interest grounds for reprinting the cartoons, but this needs to be weighed against offence that might be caused, and it seems that certain media outlets chose to show the cartoons simply to be controversial.

Equally, the celebrated cartoons may be offensive to muslims, but they are pretty small beer. If offended, write a scathing letter to the editor and never buy the paper again. The massed rallys and flag burnings are probably not representative of the general reaction of muslims, but because they are the most visible reaction they are what gets coverage. They certainly do little to bridge the cultural divide between islam and 'the west'.

There are plenty of rational voices using this issue as an interesting discussion point for matters of media, religion and politics, but they are being drowned out by those who would rather make mischief.

Posted by Gerald at 8:45 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

February 3, 2006

Drugs make you stupid pt.4

[lifted from the lovely El Reg]

An 18-year-old drug dealing master criminal is languishing in Utah County Jail after reporting the theft of his stash to police, the Deseret Morning News reports.

He rang the cops to complain that someone had broken into his Orem home and made off with the "quarter-pound of marijuana he had been trying to sell". The burglar "had broken a window and apparently cut himself while crawling into the home" and a "trail of blood indicated that the thief's efforts were concentrated on the 18-year-old's bedroom, where the drugs had been kept".

The Utah Scarface then explained to officers that he had received a call earlier in the day from a 23-year-old Provo man who wanted to score some weed. The deal never took place because the dealer was on his way to work, but he thought the prospective customer might be a good suspect.

He was right. The cops soon tracked the Provo man to his mother's house where they found six ounces of marijuana and "a pair of blood-soaked pants" - a result of a large cut on his arm. He was quickly booked into Utah County Jail on "multiple burglary, theft and possession of marijuana in a drug-free zone with the intent to distribute" raps.

Police then asked the owner of the drugs to pop down to the Orem Public Safety Building to identify his property. He duly did, and was cuffed for his trouble. He faces a charge of "possession of marijuana in a drug-free zone with intent to distribute".

Orem cop Doug Edwards admitted: "Even the dumb criminals are generally smarter than this."

Posted by Gerald at 5:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 2, 2006

Flaw and order

A couple of statistics I heard on the radio yesterday:

Just five percent of rapes reported to the police lead to a conviction.

Just twenty percent of rape cases that go to trial lead to a conviction.

Welcome to Britain in the 21st Century.

Posted by Gerald at 3:19 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 1, 2006

Whooooosh

What was that?

The whooooosh?

Yeah, the whooooosh. What was it?

That was January flying past.

Oh, so it's February already?

Yep, enjoy it while it lasts.

Although January seems to have been in a real hurry to get it over with, it was also a month in which traffic at flanerie.org leapt up after three fairly flat months.

There were 2,221 unique visitors, up from 1,863 last month, and they made 6,151 visits in total. Iceland slipped from third to fifth in the country rankings, but what the heck was it doing at third anyway?

The most popular individual post page was the Submachine Adventure Solution, and after the blog traffic exchanges, the site that gave me the most hits was Miss Elly.

The search engines were flanerietastic in January with a doubling of hits, including some very odd ones. Here is a sample of the sensible ones - people entered these in a search engine and select flanerie.org from the results:

flanerie
gerald
submachine adventure solution
guardian crossword
simon frost citrix

And the mental ones:

posh his vice was her misfortune
wwho was the first man to set foot on the moon
winter fucking
sluts down on the farm
farm fucking sluts
fucking my wife in style
flanerie in the service of the state
sexy canals.org

Now that I know there is a demand, my next project will be to create a website of sexy canals.

Posted by Gerald at 7:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack